


Ghost in the mirror

by Amrais



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - High School, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anorexia, Eating Disorders, Father-Son Relationship, Friends to Lovers, Hopeful Ending, Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Sad, Thinspo and meanspo are mentioned, Uther is not a monster, hurt Arthur
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-01-22
Updated: 2018-06-12
Packaged: 2019-03-08 04:38:34
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 28
Words: 38,114
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13450719
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Amrais/pseuds/Amrais
Summary: Arthur tries hard to be perfect, but it’s never enough.Merlin tries hard to show Arthur that he doesn’t need to be perfect to be loved, but will that be enough?





	1. Awake

**Author's Note:**

> Dear readers,  
> I know there’s another unfinished Merthur fic on my account, I’ll finish it, I promise, but sometimes I lack the inspiration to write for it.  
> I wanted a simpler story to write on sometimes. So here comes a pretty basic story, just lots of angst. I hope you’ll enjoy this one as well. 
> 
> I’m not a native speaker, so please feel free to point out mistakes! 
> 
> Kudos and comments are greatly appreciated...
> 
> TW for eating disorders

_Suggestions are words. Persuasion are words. Orders are words. No control machine so far devised can operate without words, and any control machine which attempts to do so relying entirely on external force or entirely on physical control of the mind will soon encounter the limits of control._

_-William S. Burroughs_

 

Arthur runs his hand trough his hair, every five minutes or so. He can feel it getting more greasy every time he does it, but he’ll have to take a shower anyway. Maybe he should call it a day. It’s already late, after midnight, but there are still things left to study. The test will be the day after tomorrow and he is running out of time. He needs a better mark this time. He can’t afford to get behind. A slight nervous feeling is nibbling somewhere deep in his stomach. It makes him wide his eyes in an attempt to keep them open. His notes already have little tick marks everywhere, from where he’s fallen asleep for seconds, just to be uncomfortably jerked awake by his will to stay focused. He can’t go to sleep now, no matter how much he wants to crawl into his bed and just let sleep wash all his worries away.  
With his free hand he reaches for a chocolate bar. Sugar; sugar and coffee are his best friends when it comes to late night studying. But a glance to his watch tells him that it is far too late to get a coffee from downstairs.  
A soft knock on his door startles him.  
“Arthur?” his father asks, sounding uncharacteristically soft, “Why are you still up? You have school tomorrow.”  
Arthur turns around to face his father.  
“I’m studying for my math test of Friday.” He answers sheepishly.  
“Hm hm,” Uther humms deeply. “It’s good to see you working on it. You do need a better mark, after the disaster last time. Still you need to sleep. Go to bed now. Tomorrow I have an hour after dinner, I’ll help you study for a bit.”  
Arthur winces unnoticeable, he hates it when his father “helps” him study. It always turns into a mess, that frustrates them both, it usually makes his father angry and himself just way more unsure of what he actually knows and what he still needs to study. When he was younger these study sessions used to make him cry, but not anymore, over the years he has learned his lesson.  
He really wants to refuse, but a timid “Thank you.” Is all that comes over his lips.  
Uther nods pleased with the answer and turns to go, when his gaze falls upon the chocolate bar in Arthur’s hand and he frowns.  
“Arthur, how many times do I have to tell you not to eat this crap? It’ll make you fat and it does nothing for your spots!” He says exaggerated, being on a personal wrath against every piece of sugar and chocolate in the house.  
“Yes father,” Arthur says, obediently throwing the half eaten chocolate bar into the bin next to his desk.  
Uther nods again. “A healthy body and a healthy mind is what makes a man. Good Night son.” He says and before Arthur can reply, he has left the room.

With a sigh, Arthur closes his books, cleans up his desk in a few movements.  
His father likes it neat and he isn’t messy himself. Not like Merlin, who always claims the whole table for his things, when he sits next to him in school.  
He smiles when he thinks about his best friend. He looks over to his pin board, where his favorite picture of them is pinned. They have their arms around each other, both grinning widely. He doesn’t even remember why and when this picture was taken, but it never fails to make him happy when he looks at it. Merlin’s blue eyes are shimmering with pure joy, and his smile has such a contagious quality to it. And that mob of dark curls, that always is so soft to the touch and smells like... Arthur shakes his head. Again he has lost himself in some sickly sweet pining after his best friend. It happens a lot these days, and he knows what it means, even if he doesn’t want it to be true. Angry with himself he walks over to the bathroom.

Critically he stares into the mirror, inspecting every inch of his face. He doesn’t have any spots. Not anymore, they cleared up nicely over the last year.  
When he was thirteen, his face had resembled a moon landscape, and he really had been self conscious about it, but now his skin is clear and smooth, he not quite needs to shave yet. But of course his father has succeeded in feeding into his insecurities again.  
He pulls his shirt over his head and steps in front of the full body length mirror, looking at his upper body.  
Is he really getting fat? He never thought so, but what if his father was right? He hadn’t been out on runs lately due to the studying, and he certainly wasn’t skinny, not as he used to be. Maybe his father _was_ right. He should watch what he was eating. Go out for a run tomorrow. There isn’t a scale in the bathroom, but there is one in his fathers workout room downstairs. He would step on it tomorrow, right before school.  
He takes off the rest of his clothes and steps in the shower.

Running his hands down his body, he tries if he can feel where his body needs to be worked on. He isn’t small, over the last year he has grown a lot and his shoulders are getting broader. He can feel the bones under his skin, but he can’t see them anymore, not like Merlin, definitely not like Merlin, who is lanky and skinny and just adorable cute.  
Great, now he is thinking about Merlin. In the shower. He is thinking about his best friend, in the shower. And yes, his fucking body is reacting to it.  
He quickly washes himself and steps out of the shower, ignoring his half hard dick. He won’t masturbate to the mental image of his best friend. That would go to far. Maybe he can’t stop himself daydreaming of Merlin, but he won’t do that.  
God, sometimes he hates his body so much.

 


	2. Where to start?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so I’m not using stone to talk about weight, that’s way to weird for me, so you are stuck with kilograms, hope that’s ok too.

After a fitful night, filled with weird dreams, Arthur stands in the kitchen, looking for a healthier breakfast option than his usual sweetened cereal. There isn’t much, because Uther usually doesn’t eat his breakfast at home, but rather at the office. So Arthur optes for a small portion of porridge with an apple cut into it and his usually cup of coffee, although he skips the sugar and only pours milk into it. Skeptically tasting it, he finds it not too bad. He could get used to it.  
The porridge on the other hand tastes awful without sugar and so he pours a little bit over it, he figures it’s still better than the cereal, where he doesn’t really know how much sugar it has in it. Only last week he had read in an article that there was too much sugar in everything, over 40 times as much, as could considered to be healthy.  
He realizes that he has no idea about nutritions or calories. Maybe he has some basic knowledge of what healthy food is and what isn’t, but for a deeper understanding he would have to read up on it. 

Just 5 minutes before he has to leave for school, he remembers that he wanted to weight himself. He runs down the stairs to the workout room, that is located in the basement and pulles out the scale from under the shelf with the fresh towels. It’s made from opaque glass, shimmering greenish. He hastily kicks his shoes off and carefully steps on it. He can feel the coldness of the glass surface through his socks and has to keep himself from curling his toes. The little digital numbers settle at 76,8 kg, but he’s fully clothed, so he guessed it’s actually more like 75 or 74 kg. Then he realizes that he has absolutely no idea if this is alright or too much. He’s at least 5”10, so maybe it’s ok? But on the other hand, 75 isn’t that far from a 100, and that definitely is too much.  
Surely there are some BMI calculators online, that could tell him what the appropriate weight for him should be. But pulling out his phone he sees that he’s running late. Hurriedly he puts his shoes back on and pushes the scale back under the shelf. Then he sprints up the stairs, flings his backpack over his shoulder and remembers in the last second to grab his keys out of the bowl by the door.  
He’s a little bit out of breath, when he reaches the bus stop down the street. 

Merlin waves at him with a broad grin, when he gets on the bus two stations after him. Arthur quickly closes the tap on his phone, where he has spend the last few minutes typing in different numbers in a BMI calculator, and let it disappear in the pocket of his trousers.  
“Hey Merlin,” He says and smiles back.  
Merlin drops down in the empty seat next to him with an heavy sigh.  
“So much Stress in the morning, it’s going to kill me someday.” He complains, like every other morning.  
“You could just get up when your alarm rings. That should help.” Arthur suggests, not for the first time.  
“Shut up, you prick. You know that I am saving the world at night.” He playfully hits Arthur’s arm.  
“Playing Computer games isn’t saving the world, at least not the actual world.”  
“That would make Mithian very sad to hear!”  
“You know that your little blood elf is not a real person. You know that, right?” Arthur teases.  
“Oh, you should see her now, I picked up a new armour, she looks gorgeous. I have hitting guys on her all the time.” Merlin says proudly.  
Arthur rolls his eyes. “You just wish they were hitting on you.”  
Merlin makes a disgusted face. “Noo, uh oh, most of them are fat, ugly nerds, that have on hand in a packet of crisps and the other one on the keyboard. If you’re lucky.”  
“That’s gross, Merlin!” Arthur exclaims.  
Merlin just chuckles, rather dirty.  
“Oh, my Mum called yesterday.” The tone immediately changes to a more serious one.  
“So how is she?” Arthur asks.  
“She’s better. She asked me if I wanted to come up to the village for a weekend. I thought, ahm… maybe you would… like… want to come with me? I could borrow Gaius car and we could turn it into a road trip or something like that.” He smiles, suddenly shy.  
Arthur’s heart is beating faster at the thought of spending 5 hours in a car with Merlin. Not that they don’t spend that much time together, but in a car, that would be just different. It would be great.  
“That would be great.” He blurts out.  
“Oh good, good. You know it’s an old car, it sill has a CD player. We could make a mixtape, well, the CD version of a mixtape, you know what I mean.” Merlin’s eyes were sparkling and Arthur thought that he looked so pretty that he wanted to kiss him.  
The bus stops and Merlin nudged Arthur with his elbow.  
“Hey, time to get up.” He laughes at Arthur’s dreamy eyes. 

They don’t have all their classes together, but they met again for lunch, with their other friends. Most of them are in the football team, where Arthur is captain since last year. Gwen and Merlin are the only ones not in the team, but they are their greatest supporters.  
Getting food from the cafeteria, Arthur decides on a sandwich. He isn’t hungrier than usual, but he normally would have taken more for lunch. But with skipping all the unhealthy snacks like crisps and sweet, sticky brownies, there aren’t too many options, if he doesn’t want the disgusting, unidentifiable mash that was served as food at their fancy private school.  
“Hey, Do you want to hang out after school?” Merlin asks in between bites.  
Arthur shakes his head. “I can’t, I have to study for this math test and then my Dad is going to study with me tonight.” He admits sadly.  
“You’d probably learn a lot more studying with me, than getting yelled at by your Dad.”  
“Yeah, you’re probably right. But there’s nothing I can do about it.” He says defeated.  
“But can you study with me for a bit anyway? An hour after school?”  
Gwain leans in. “You study too much princess. We haven’t hung out this week at all, you know that we have footie practice tomorrow. Don’t you dare to skip it again.” He threatens.  
“I know, I know, I’m sorry. I needed to study for this test. Tomorrow it’ll be over.”  
Gwen puts her hand on Arthur’s arm. “Stop worrying so much. You are the best after Merlin, okay?” She looks at him with her soft chocolate brown eyes and it makes Arthur really feel better for a moment.

By the time he gets home, he’s really hungry. Georgie, their housekeeper, has left some lasagna in the oven. Arthur is tempted to eat it out of the casserole, cold as it is, but then he remembers that last night he had planed to go on a run today. He doesn’t like to do sports right after eating, so he goes upstairs to change into his running gear.  
He takes his short 6 km round, that he usually gets done in half an hour. This time it takes him only 20 minutes. It feels good to push himself a bit. He concentrates on his breathing, the pavement under his shoes and he can feel the tension leaving his body. In situations like this, he loves his body, knowing that he is strong and athletic, his muscles working on their own and everything seems just to be so easy.  
He finishes his round with some step ups and push ups, using a park bench. He doesn’t even feel hungry anymore.


	3. Would you even notice?

It has been three weeks since Arthur decided he had to do something against him getting fatter and since then he had, more experimenting than knowing, started to monitor his food intake.  
Fat free dairy products are filling the fridge now and if Uther has noticed them, he hasn’t said anything.  
It isn’t that Arthur particularly likes them, but it is easy to calculate with them, they are high in protein and they keep him full longer than just fruits.  
He is convinced that he is doing something good and healthy for his body, the perfect diet. 

The first time he skips a meal is after a fight with Uther.  
His stomach clenches uncomfortably when his father tells him, that the B he got on his maths test is not enough.  
“You are supposed to take over the company, Arthur. What do you think your chances are of getting into one of the top universities, if you don’t make an effort?” Uther looks as if the piece of paper in front of him is insulting him personally.  
“How could you get that wrong? We worked on this kind of equation for hours. Sometimes I wonder if you really are that stupid, or if you are doing this to annoy me!”  
Arthur feels as if ice water is running through his veins. He’s used to his father being angry about everything that is bellow the full marks, but it usually doesn’t get that insulting.  
“I’m sorry father, I try harder next time.” He says, his eyes downcast on his fidgeting hands.  
Uther only sighs and hands the paper back to his son.  
Arthur all but flees up to his room. His hands are shaking, when he pulls out his books. He’s already done with his homework, did it with Merlin, right after school, laughing and teasing each other. But he’s going to study ahead, even when he’s sure that he can’t concentrate, because his fathers words are still flitting through his mind, making him feel nauseous.  
He wishes that he could walk over the corridor, into his sisters room to talk or, even better, pick a fight with her. That usually helps with his intruding thoughts of self-contempt, but she’s in France right now.  
Gone to study a year abroad, to learn the language and to be with her other half sibling, her sister Morgause. Arthur feels a little bit abandoned by her. Like he’s been tossed aside in favor of the better sibling. Shortly he thinks about calling her on FaceTime, but even if she’d pick up, she’ll just tell him how great France is and how much fun her and Morgause are having. He doubts that he could stand that right now.  
A knock on his door pulls him out of these dire thoughts.  
“Come in.” He calls out. Uther sticks his head in.  
“Arthur, Dinner’s ready. Come down please.”  
Arthur doesn’t even turn around. “I’m not hungry.” He says dismissive.  
“You went out with your friends again?”  
Arthur nods, even if it’s not true. He has not been out with them for two weeks now.  
“You know that it spoils your appetite. Georgie isn’t cooking for nothing you know.”  
“I know, I’m sorry.” Arthur says. He just wants his father to leave, before the rumbling of his stomach gives away that he hasn’t in fact eaten since lunch.  
Uther nods and finally leaves him alone.  
Staying in his room, while his father eats alone downstairs, Arthur welcomes the gentle hunger pains. Somehow it feels like he’s punishing his father for his harsh words with his refusal to eat. It’s a weird feeling, illogical and messed up, but strangely powerful and liberating at the same time.  
This night, when he lies in bed, feeling the unfamiliar emptiness of his stomach, he thinks about how it would be if he stopped eating completely. How it would be, to waste away. He thinks it might be the same feeling as laying in the dark, wide awake. As if he’s the only one awake, lonely but peaceful.

When he gets up the next morning he’s not as hungry as usual, in fact he has no appetite at all, so he just gets himself a coffee.  
“Arthur.” His father says behind him and he nearly drops his cup, because his father is usually gone when he gets up. Slowly he turns around.  
“Arthur, I wanted to apologize. I’m sorry about what I said yesterday. I know you’ve done a lot of studying for the test. I’m just a bit tired, it was a stressful week at the office. But this is no excuse and I shouldn’t have taken it out on you.” He says and Arthur is not sure if he’s heard right, his father normally never apologizes.  
Nobody says anything for a few moments, until Arthur remembers that he’s supposed to say something.  
“That’s ok.” He mumbles, bringing the cup of coffee to his lips.  
His father smiles at him briefly, his hard eyes soften for a second.  
“I have to go now. Have some breakfast before you go. I’ll be home late, so you don’t have to wait for me with dinner, alright?  
Arthur nods and waits until he hears the car’s been started and out of the driveway, before he goes to weight himself.


	4. Healthy habits

It’s not like Arthur stops eating, not at all, he just cuts certain things out of his meal plan. He tries to avoid bread and noodles, fat cheese and everything he thinks has artificial sugar in it. When he tells Georgie that he doesn’t want to eat meat anymore she only clicks her tongue disapprovingly, but Arthur always finds a meatless version of their dinner waiting in the fridge for him. His father reacts with a shoulder shrug when his son tells him that he’s a vegetarian now and the next two times he brings take out home, it’s still with meat.  
Uther often has his dinner with clients and coworkers at restaurants anyway and on these evenings Arthur doesn’t order greasy pizza or Chinese food like he used to do, but rather prepares himself some salad.  
If he can be bothered anyway. Sometimes he just doesn’t eat, despite feeling hungry. He stretches the times in between meals, tests how long he can go without eating, before he gets so hungry he eats whatever he gets his hands on. Somehow it makes him proud, when he doesn’t eat, even after training or running. He likes the discipline, the way he is capable of pushing trough the hunger. It makes him feel stronger. And it’s not only the restriction of food, he’s trying to push all his boundaries. When he doesn’t want to study anymore, he tells himself, that if he can endure the gnawing in his stomach, he surely can go on reading, one chapter the least. He can run a km more, he can do 10 more push ups. He can go faster for the ball, he can do all that if he can go another hour without eating too.  
He feels better than he has for months, finally taking control, shaping his life. He’s going to be an better version of himself.  
By the end of the month he has lost 2kg.

Merlin is the first one to notice about Arthur’s changed eating habits.  
They all are at Merlin’s house, binge-watching the x files.  
Arthur is nestled between Merlin and the arm rest of the couch. It feels forbiddingly good to sit that close to Merlin in the dark. They are so close to each other, that he can feel Merlin’s body heat. He’s warm and sleepy and not really playing attention what is going on on the screen. He has seen this season more than once anyway.  
His comfortable sleepiness ends abruptly, when Merlin holds out the bowl full of crisps, he has been munching on for the past ten minutes. He can smell the spices, nearly taste them on his tongue. But he resists, only shakes his head softly. Merlin places the bowl back on the table, leans closer to him and whispers “Are you Ok?”  
Arthur is confused by the question. “Yes, why?” Did it seemed weird that he refused the crisps?  
“Because you haven’t touched anything to eat. Is it your stomach again?” Merlin’s eyes are worriedly aimed on Arthur’s waist, where his friend is resting his hands. Arthur hurriedly pulls his hands away and let’s them fall to his side, rubbing the on his jeans, suddenly they feel sweaty.  
A few days ago Merlin had seen him pressing his hand to his abdomen in an futile attempt to still the rumbling of his empty stomach. His own fault for skipping breakfast again. But he couldn’t let Merlin know that, so he had told him about a stomach bug.  
A second he thinks about going with this story again, but Merlin probably would be worried then. There’s nothing reprehensible about the truth, right?  
“Ah, no, I just try to cut out all these unhealthy snacks for a while.” He says with a smile.  
“Aww, do you not fit into your tutu anymore?” Gwaine says, sitting on the floor, shoving a fistful of crisps into his mouth.  
Percy kicks him gently in the ribs from where he’s sitting. “Oi, don’t be rude, you are just jealous. How did you got that black eye again, hitting yourself in the face with a barbell?” Percy mocks.  
Gwen stretches out from her spot where she’s cuddled into Lances side.  
“Did you really just used being a girl as an insult, Gwaine?” She asks softly, but with an undertone that makes him blush.  
“I didn’t mean it like that. I always call him princess.” He tries to defend himself.  
“Because he’s such a pretty boy.” Merlin grins, elbowing Arthur.  
Arthur can feel the heat creep into his face and he wishes he could just disappear.  
“I think it’s a good thing to try and live healthier.” Gwen says. “Maybe you should try and do that too, Gwaine…” Gwaine sticks out his tongue to her.  
“Maybe we can go on watching the movie, now I missed Scully telling Mulder off.” Arthur says cranky, he wants this conversation to be over. He feels sick.


	5. Someone else

Arthur feels great. He’s on top of the world. For his last essay he got a better mark than Merlin, what never happened before, they’ve won the football match against their archenemies from the other independent school down the street. This morning, when he went out for his run, his father smiled at him. He couldn’t feel happier.  
This giddy feeling might have something to do with the beer he’s drinking right now. It’s just his second, and for a moment he wonders why he feels slightly drunk already, but then he remembers, that he hasn’t eaten much today. He smiles and takes another sip, only listening to the story’s Gwain tells with half an ear. He hasn’t seen Merlin in a while. He decides to go look for him. He doesn’t even know who’s house this is, Gwain had insisted to go to the party. He finds Merlin in the kitchen, his face flushed from alcohol, his eyes shining in an animated conversation with another dark haired boy, Arthur doesn’t recognize.  
Jealousy is flaring high for a moment and he wants to go over there and knock their drinks out of their hands, wipe that smug smile off of the other boys face.  
But all he does is turn around and walk away. He walks past Leon and Percy, ignoring them calling after him, he keeps on walking, out into the small backyard. There are some people out there smoking and he can smell weed too, but he stumbles a bit forward and then he’s alone in the dark.  
He stares at the brick wall a few inches in front of him. There’s nothing to see. Just nothing, like he’s nothing, like nothing is worth anything… He wants to smash his beer bottle against the wall, instead he takes another sip.  
“Are you alright?” A soft voice cuts through his thoughts and he looks to his left.  
In the light coming from behind, she seems ethereal, her ash blonde hair shines golden and her milk white skin glows in the dark. Her elfish beauty makes Arthur blink.  
“Hey Sophia.” He says.  
She looks up at him, expecting her initial question to be answered.  
He sighs, “Yeah, I’m fine. Just… needed some air.” He finishes lamely.  
She smiles up at him, just a little smile, almost sad. Bittersweet.  
“Me too.” She puts her cup to her lips, stands next to him, silently.  
Arthur looks down at her. How small she is, so petite and fragile.  
“You are beautiful.” He knows that this is not the most eloquent statement, but he can’t think of anything else to say.  
The faint blush that spreads over her face makes her even more radiant.  
“Thanks.” She whispers shyly and on an impulse Arthur bends down and kisses her on the lips. She stumbles backwards in surprise, but after a moment, she relaxes and kisses back. Her lips part and she closes her eyes. Arthur slips his hand into her long hair, to the back of her head and pulls her closer. 

“So, you and Sophia?” Merlin asks, when they share a cab home at 3am. He sounds tired. Arthur shrugs his shoulders.  
“Don’t know, I’ll call her tomorrow. Maybe ask her out on a date.” He lets his heavy head sink into the head rest.  
“She’s pretty.” Merlin states.  
Arthur nods. “Yeah, she is. What about you? Did you score tonight?”  
Merlin shakes his head.  
“What about that guy you were hanging around with?”  
“Oh him.” Merlin frowns. “No, he was annoying.”  
“I’m sorry, I thought you were having fun.” Arthur says, but he does not really feel regret. He feels numb, not sure if kissing Sophia had been a good idea. He’s tired now, all he wants to do is sleep.  
They stay silent for the rest of the ride, Merlin getting out first. Arthur only waves goodbye. 

The same weekend he takes Sophia for a date.  
They go to the pictures, because Arthur figures that even if they don’t get along, they at least have the movie to kill the time.  
Before the party he barely had talked to Sophia. He knew her as a friend of his sister, but their paths hadn’t really crossed, and then two years ago she had changed schools anyway. The party was the first time he had seen her again. 

They agreed to meet in front of the cinema and she’s already waiting, when Arthur arrives. The cold made her cheeks red and she’s wearing a thick parka. She has pulled up the hood and the fake fur lining accentuates her round face. She looks so cute and he just feels so nervous.  
He is late because he couldn’t decide on what to wear, everything seemed to tight, suffocating even. Finally he decided on one of his fathers thick Irish wool jumpers and dark jeans, at least they are fitting better now that he lost a few pounds. The sweater is too big on him and maybe he would have looked better in his own clothes, but it makes him feel warm and safe, like a hug. 

“Hi.” He says, not sure if she expects him to kiss her or not. She smiles and rubs her hands.  
“Hi, I already thought you wouldn’t come.”  
“I’m sorry for being late.” He apologizes sheepishly, but she only shakes her head and laughs.  
“Just let’s go in, it’s freezing.”  
Arthur insists to pay for the tickets, that’s the least he can do for making her wait in the cold.  
“Do you want popcorn or anything?” He asks and is relieved when she shakes her head.  
“Just a Diet Coke.” She says, and it sounds like a question.  
“Sure. Be right back.” He gets into the line and orders two diet cokes.

They hold hands halfway through the film, Sophia obviously being just as insecure as Arthur feels. Her hands are ice cold and so small, it feels like holding a little bird. Somehow it feels good and he finally relaxes. After the movie they go for a coffee, because of course neither of them is hungry, but they agree that coffee is just the right thing against the biting cold outside.  
They are sitting across from each other, their hands wrapped around their cups, mirroring each other. Both are surprised how easy it is to talk to each other and so they sit and talk, while outside it’s starting to snow. Icy, sharp snowflakes, more like frozen rain.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don’t worry, still a Merthur fic :)


	6. Someone like me

“Sophia?” His sister asks, when he calls her on FaceTime to tell her that he’s got a girlfriend now. She flicks her long dark hair over her shoulder and frowns.  
“So she’s better?”  
“Better?” Arthur echos, confused.  
“Yeah, do you remember when she left school? Her Dad pulled her out because she was sick. Some kind of eating disorder. I heard she spend some time in a clinic and then she went to another school. I lost contact with her after that.“  
„Why are you telling me that?“ It makes him angry, the way Morgana is gossiping about Sophia.  
Morgana frowns again. “I thought you should know. Before you get involved with her.”  
“Get involved? She’s my Girlfriend!”  
“You went out with her a couple of times. That doesn’t make her your girlfriend. I don’t understand why you are so upset!” Morgana pouts.  
“Because instead of being happy for me, you try and ruin it, by telling me that she’s sick. That’s just typical for you. Isn’t it? You want me to feel miserable, so you are feeling better about yourself.” He spits at his sister, who looks reasonably shocked.  
“Arthur, you’re not making any sense right now. Of course I want you to be happy.” She tries to reason with him.  
“By badmouthing my girlfriend?”  
“Don’t be stupid. I’m not badmouthing her, I’m just telling you to be careful. I’m one of the few people who know that you are not as egoistic as everyone thinks you are, but that you are, in fact, very sensitive and that you care about other people. I just don’t want you to get hurt, okay.” She says softly, but it has no affect on Arthur’s anger.  
“So you say I shouldn’t be with her, because two years ago she had an eating disorder and you don’t want me to get hurt? That doesn’t make any sense!”  
“You are twisting my words Arthur. I can’t talk to you if you are like that. Call me when you calmed down a bit.” Morgana says sharply and then ends the call. Arthur is left staring at his own face on the screen.  
He doesn’t really know why he’s so angry at Morgana, but something about the way she talked about Sophia, like the disorder made her a lesser person, someone who was damaged beyond repair, someone that you shouldn’t have a relationship with, has wind him up. It makes him feel alone. Suddenly certain that he can’t talk to his sister. He can’t tell her how lonely he feels sometimes, how desperate and hollow and angry. That sometimes, he just wants to disappear.  
What would she think of him if she knew? She would think of him as weak, pathetic, ashamed to be his sister. 

That Sophia had problems with eating in the past doesn’t really surprise him. Of course not.  
Because all their dates go like the first one.  
They sit and talk, they drink coffee or Diet Coke. They walk into cafes ignoring all the cakes, the pizza, the smell of food wafting over from the neighbors table.  
They don’t talk about it, they just silently agree on it, both glad that they don’t have to explain why they aren’t hungry, even if occasional their stomachs are rumbling.  
He doesn’t question her habit of getting out of the bus at least one station before the one that is the closest to her house, to prolong the walk. She agrees happily when he suggests long walks down by the winterly river.  
He holds her delicate hand in his, trying to spend her some warmth. Even with gloves on she’s still cold.  
They kiss and they hold hands, but neither of them is in a hurry to take it to the next level.  
Instead they start to work out together. They go running together and exercise a few times a week.  
Merlin complains that he never sees Arthur anymore.  
“I never thought you’d be one of the guys that disappear as soon as they have a girlfriend. Why don’t we do something all together?” He asks and Arthur instantly feels guilty. It’s not particularly the girl that keeps him from his friends. He’s not head over heels in love with Sophia. It’s more the things they secretly share that draws him to her. She’s his how to, in a time were he feels lost. 

“Won’t you finish your sandwich?” Gwen asks at lunch. Arthur only has bitten into it once, then he had busying himself with his phone. Pretending to be absentminded, he shakes his head.  
Gwaine reaches over the table and pulls Arthur’s plate over to him.  
“Our Arthur is living on air and looove alone.” He sings and already has wolfed down half of the sandwich.  
Arthur forces a grin on his face. “And dinner with my girlfriend tonight.”  
He pulls out his sugar free chewing gum and pops one into his mouth. The hunger gives him such a bad breath, even brushing his theeth several times a day can’t take away, so except for when he’s training or sleeping he always is chewing on one.  
Merlin shakes his head, but he says nothing. 

What he calls dinner with his girlfriend is more like working out together. Counting push ups and crunches, a bit of yoga and stretching in between.  
He is stronger than her, but she has an incredible stamina and is a lot more flexible than Arthur. It pushes them both to their limits. 

Sophia sways when they are finished and Arthur quickly tries to stabilize her by putting an arm around her waist.  
“Wow babe, are you alright?”  
“Just a little bit dizzy.” She says, taking a deep breath.  
He gives her the water bottle. “Drink all of it. And maybe we should eat something.”  
He knows that what they are doing isn’t healthy anymore. He’s not stupid. And he knows that Sophia knows it too, but he’s not sure if she still cares.  
“I’ll make us some vegan curry. I’ve got some fat reduced coconut milk.”  
She nods, still lightheaded. 

When they break up two months later, Arthur has lost over 5 kg.


	7. Sidetracked

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks a lot for the lovely comments!!

“Come on Arthur, you need to eat.” Gwen insists. Arthur sighs, if it’s not Merlin pestering him about eating, Gwen gladly takes his place.  
“Not hungry.” He knows that he sounds like a petulant child, and he wonders how much longer he can keep the act up.  
“I know that you don’t feel like it. I understand that you are sad, but you still need to eat.” Gwen tries it with sympathy, while Merlin is mostly making sassy comments. Percy and Leon only watch and Gwaine is resorting to mockery.  
Arthur told them that Sophia had left him for someone else. This couldn’t be further from the truth, as he’s the one that broke up with her. The time the finally slept with each other, Arthur thought of Merlin the whole time. He figured it wasn’t fair on Sophia. So he ended things. But they are still friends, chatting every other day.  
But with his friends thinking he’s lovesick, it’s so much easier to get away with not eating and keeping to himself.  
They have so much sympathy for him and he wallows in the feeling that he’s important to them.  
A week ago he told them his sob story about Sophia leaving him and since the he’s successfully avoided eating with them at lunch. Everything he gets, ends up in little pieces, shattered over his plate. He knows what it looks like and somehow he embraces it. It’s him. Right there in front of them. And they don’t see it. They are trying to put the pieces together, but they are working on the wrong puzzle.  
They see that he loses weight and they tell him to eat properly but they have no idea what he’s really doing to himself. Because who would think that he’s starving himself on purpose? 

Since lunch started, Merlin has been staring at him the whole time. It unsettles Arthur, because usually Merlin is a torrent of words, always talking, randomly switching from one subject to the next. But now he’s silent and pensive and his eyes seem to burn holes into Arthur.  
“What?” Arthur finally snaps.  
“Can we talk outside? Just you and me?” Merlin asks quietly. Arthur’s heart rate is speeding up, because he knows what Merlin wants to talk about, and he doesn’t want to, but he can’t think of any excuse right now.  
So he only shrugs his shoulders and follows Merlin outside. He dumbs his fragmented food in the bin on his way out and Merlin watches him with his lips pressed together tightly.  
As soon as they’re out of the hall, Merlin pulls him into a corner.  
“Arthur, this has to stop!” He states, looking him straight in the face.  
Arthur stares back, he’s aware that Merlin expects him to say anything, but he doesn’t know what he possibly could say. He shrugs his shoulders.  
Merlin sighs. “Just talk to me Arthur.” He pleads for the hundredth time. “I know you are sad and hurt that she left you, but you can’t go on like that, you need to take care of yourself. We all are worried about you. You’ve lost weight and you won’t eat. And it started even before you guys broke up. So what happened Arthur?” The worry is evident on Merlin’s face, in his posture and Arthur wishes he could let his head sink on Merlin’s shoulder and tell him everything.  
How good it feels to see the numbers on the scale drop, just a little bit every week, how empowering it feels when he resists eating. He didn’t notice before, but food is everywhere. At home, at school, in shops and the cinema, on advertisement too. He has more willpower than anyone else. He wants to tell Merlin how he has learned to savor the things he allows himself to eat. He never thought that an apple could be so delicious. His senses are heightened, he experiences smells and tastes different now and he has so much energy. Only sometimes he’s tired beyond believe and sometimes he doesn’t sleep all night because his thoughts are keeping him up. Sometimes he’s so hungry that he doubles over in pain.  
“Arthur? Arthur!” Merlin shakes his shoulder slightly and makes him realize that he’s still waiting for an answer.  
“Nothing.” He says. “I don’t want to talk about it.” He adds, hinting that something did go down. For the tiniest moment he feels guilty about pinning it on Sophia, but he knows she would understand.  
“Ok, but if you don’t want to talk to us, please talk to someone.” Merlin says softly.  
“What do you mean?” Arthur asks, he can’t believe that Merlin is suggesting what he think he’s suggesting.  
“Arthur, it looks like you are depressed, you know, break ups can do that to you. Maybe you should talk to a counselor. Your Dad don’t even has to know.” Merlin says calmly, as if this isn’t betrayal.  
“What? You think I’m crazy?” Arthur’s legs are suddenly made of jello. He doesn’t know if it’s because he’s angry of because he’s scared.  
“No of course not. I think you could just need a bit help to sort your thoughts out. There’s nothing wrong with that, don’t be ignorant Arthur. There’s no shame in getting help.”  
Arthur can’t believe that Merlin is actually lecturing him on tolerance and of course he knows he’s right. There’s no shame in getting help, for people that need help, so that doesn’t include him.  
“I know there isn’t. But I don’t need help.” He says as steady as he’s able to, and even he hears how arrogant he sounds. Good. He pushes past Merlin, who tries to hold him back.  
“Arthur, please…”  
Arthur turns around and stares at his best friend, who he wants to be more so bad, who thinks he’s weak and depressed… “I have footy practice now, if you’ll excuse me.” He walks away with his head held up high. 

Merlin stays where he is, thinking about the hurt in Arthur’s eyes, how he got this reserved expression, the corner of his mouth pulled down ever so slightly. He wonders if he made an mistake. But every time he tried to talk to Arthur about it, Arthur tells him that he’s fine, that he just needs a bit of time to get over Sophia. It always makes Merlin’s heart ache with a strange mix of feelings. Anger at Sophia, whatever she did and Arthur isn’t telling him. Jealousy, that this girl Arthur dated for a few months means that much to him and he himself obviously doesn’t, as everything he tries to do only seems to work temporarily. They are just laughing and bickering as always and suddenly Arthur is all sullen and sad again. And there is this undefined kind of fear that he’s losing his best friend. The one he’s in love with for ages.  
He knew that Arthur eventually would react bad to his suggestions that he needs professional help, but at least it provoked some kind of reaction from his friend. So far every attempt to talk to Arthur has been deflected by a “I’m fine, don’t be silly!” and a quick change of topic. Maybe at least something he said would have an affect on Arthur this time. Maybe it will open his eyes to how self destructive he’s being. The only thing he can do now is hope. 

When the others are coming to find him, non of them speak. They just look at Merlin and he shakes his head silently. Gwen starts to cry and Lance puts his arm around her shoulder. Gwaine kicks the bin instead, before he walks away in the direction Arthur disappeared a few minutes ago. Percy pats Merlin’s shoulder and then he and Leon follow Gwaine. 

When Arthur comes home, he takes in the silence of the house with relief. Finally alone. Lance had tried to talk to him too, just after Merlin. And the other three had been following him with there eyes like vultures.  
It was like all his friends were in on a conspiracy against him. Even if Lance had said differently.  
“We’re not against you, we want to help you.” Arthur had walked away without another word.

Now he’s at home and their words are playing in his head over and over again.  
He walks into the kitchen, leans against the counter and wonders what to do.  
Then, suddenly determined, he pulls out the ingredients for a proper meal.  
He fills a pot with water and puts it on the stove. He hasn’t had spaghetti in months. He doesn’t use any oil for the sauce, but he puts a spoon full of sugar and some salt in it. If he’s going to eat it, at least it should taste good.  
He spends a full minute contemplating if he should put cheese on it or not, but in the end he grated some over it. Maybe not as much as he used to, but enough not to look pathetic.  
He’s totally fine, he doesn’t need help and he’s going to proof it.  
He takes the plate into the living room with him, puts his feet up on the coffee table and turns on the tv. Uther hates it, when he does that.  
The first fork of spaghetti is like heaven on his tongue and he has a hard time to slow himself down, to actually chew the food.  
‘Look Merlin,’ he thinks, ‘I’m eating, I’m perfectly fine.’  
He keeps on watching Tv for another 10 minutes, before he grows restless. He gets up and brings the plate back to the kitchen, packs the leftovers in the fridge, cleans the kitchen for a bit. When there’s nothing more to do, he goes upstairs to change into his workout gear. He ate, so a quick run won’t hurt, right?


	8. I wish I could go back

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Not edited, coming back to it later...

And just like that Arthur starts eating again. Except it’s not just like that. He puts on a show for his friends, he now eats lunch with them again, because a) it’s not a problem. He’s not sick after all, just careful what he eats. And b) he’s a little bit worried what his friends are going to do, if they already think that he needs professional help. In fact it worries him so much he doesn’t sleep the night after Merlin brought it up. He stares into the darkness of his room and thoughts run through his head, worst case Scenarios, over and over again. What if they tell a teacher? Or Morgana, or and that’s very unlikely but nonetheless possible, Uther. Except his Father would probably agree with his need for more self discipline. 

But he’s not keen on finding out what their next step would be, so the next day he sits down next to them, his plate filled with whatever casserole it’s supposed to be. He smiles and says the words he has concocted in his mind last night.  
He turns to Merlin, who watches him cautiously, and offers him a small smile: “I thought about what you told me yesterday. You were right, I can’t keep doing that to myself. Thank you for talking some sense into me.” He says.  
Merlin looks quite surprised, until his face splits into the wide grin Arthur loves so much.  
“That’s what friends are for.” He answers enthusiastically.  
“Oi you Lovebirds, get a room, will ya?” Gwaine calls over and laughs when Merlin throws his empty juice carton at him. Of course he misses.  
Arthur’s hands are suddenly sweaty and he wipes them at his jeans. He doesn’t know if it’s because of Merlin and his stupid crush on him, or because he has to eat all of that in front of them. 

Friday night they all go out together, it’s the first time in three months that Arthur doesn’t refuse. But he prepares himself by running an extra mile and doing some extra jumping jacks and press ups.  
He sprains his wrist a little, when he peels himself out of his sweaty workout clothes and suddenly looses his balance, because everything goes black momentarily. Instinctively, he blindly reaches out for the shower cubicle, but he misjudges the distance and crushes his wrist under his falling weight.  
Startled, he leans against the glass wall and waits for his vision to get back to normal. When the blackness is replaced by little lightning bolts before his eyes, he takes a deep breath and shreds the last of his clothes. He steps into the shower with wobbly legs and a dull ache in his wrist.  
While waiting for the water to get to the right temperature, he leans against the wall for support, because he doesn’t trust his legs fully. When the water is warm enough, he slides down the wall until he’s sitting in the tub.  
There’s no need to panic, he tells himself. This happened to him before, this happens to everyone from time to time. He simply has overdone the workout a little bit. Nothing to be worried about. He ate at lunch and he’s going to eat again tonight. Knowing his friends, they will go to a place where he is forced to eat fat and carbs enough for one week. He keeps still for a while, trying to swallow the nausea and waits for the spinning in his head to settle.  
He doesn’t know how long he sits there, but when he finally gets out of the shower, he’s late and has to rush to catch the bus he has planed to take.

It is really nice to go out with his friends again, it’s just the same as it has always been and he silently vows not to distance himself from them anymore.  
He only manages to eat half of his burger, but he figures that’s alright because Merlin and Gwen aren’t finishing theirs either.  
Merlin and him are sharing a cab home, one for which Uther will pay, as usual, and Merlin, who is just a little bit drunk, leans into Arthurs side heavily.  
“Glad to have you back, Arthur. Even if you are a prat, I missed you.”  
Arthur suddenly has a lump in his throat, because he’s not sure if he’s really there. It doesn’t feel like it. This part of the night, the quiet ride through the nightly city with Merlin by his side, used to be one of his favorite things about going out. Now all he can think about is how much he has to work out tomorrow to make up for tonight, about the amount of food he’s going to eat and what excuse he could possibly use to get out of dinner with his father. He feels far away from Merlin. He desperately wishes he could go back in time. When Merlin just was his best friend, without all the confusing feelings, when food was just food without the guilt and eating was something he just did, without thinking about it, when exercising was something he did for fun and not because every time he looks in the mirror he hates what he sees. 

But he smiles through the suffocating feeling in his chest.  
“I’m always there Merlin. Maybe you should get glasses?” He says, leaning away from Merlin, who tries to pinch him in the side.  
“You’re a prat.” Merlin complains and Arthur laughs out loud.  
“And you are sentimental.”

The house is dark when he gets home, what could mean that Uther already is asleep or not even home yet. Either way, he moves through the house almost silently. He grew up in it, he knows which floorboards are creaking. He doesn’t even switch on the light. There’s a certain sensation to it, moving silently in the dark, as if he’s disembodied, free from it.  
The feeling dissolves as soon as he reaches his room and switches on the light. The door to his closet is still open, a body length mirror on the inside. His reflection stares back at him, like a intruder, a disturbance in the peacefulness of the room. The crime of his existence carefully framed by reflecting glass.  
He could swear he looks bigger than this afternoon, bloated by all the salt and fat he stuffed himself with. He pulls his sweater over his head and his belt out of the loops, then he drops to the floor on his hands and knees. A sharp pain in his wrist reminds him of earlier and makes clear that he has to sit out on press ups for a few days. So he gets on his back and does some sit-ups and crunches. The floor is rather hard and it hurts his back and hips to do it like that, but not even he was going to train in the basement at 2 o’clock in the morning.  
“Arthur.” Suddenly his father says behind him.  
Arthur startles badly. He hadn’t heard his father knocking or entering his room he turns around, wiping the sweat from his forehead and out of his eyes.  
“God, do you want to give me an heart attack? I didn’t hear you coming.”  
His father still wears his business outfit, that must mean he just came home.  
“Your door was open. What are you doing?” He demands to know, frowning down at his son.  
Arthur hurries to get up, wincing when he puts weight on his injured wrist.  
“I was working out a little, that’s obvious, isn’t it?”  
“Now? It’s half past two in the morning.” His father points out suspiciously.  
“I couldn’t sleep.” Arthur lies, shrinking back from his fathers searching gaze.  
“But you do look tired. You should get some rest. Take a hot shower and then go to bed.”  
Arthur nods, turning away from his father to grab a fresh pair of Pyjama bottoms and a t-shirt.  
“Arthur?” Uther asks cautiously and Arthur is surprised that he’s still there.  
“Is everything alright?”  
The question astonishes him, his father never asked him that before.  
He turns around to look at him.  
“Yes, why are you asking?” He snaps.  
They are both feeling uncomfortable with where this conversation is going. Uther looks like he regrets asking in the first place and Arthur is not used to his fathers interest for him expanding over his grades and then he’s afraid of his secrets being exposed. It’s unsettling really.  
“You seem to be stressed out lately.” His father says thoughtful and Arthur is relived.  
“Oh yeah. I’m a bit stressed lately, but that’s just… you know, so much to do for school and stuff...” He shrugs his shoulders, it’s not even a lie.  
“That’s why you should go to bed at reasonable times and not stay up this late. You should sleep in tomorrow, I have to be at work anyways, so you can have breakfast whenever you want. I hope I’ll be back for dinner, but I can’t promise you that.” And just like that the strange moment where his father showed concern for him is over and everything is back to normal. Arthur nods silently.


	9. A glimpse of truth

It’s another party, another Saturday night and Arthur is holding on to the beer in his hand. He somehow feels alien, standing around with people, pretending to listen to them, pretending to have fun. He used to be very sociable, getting along with everyone, but right now it only makes him uncomfortable. His head hurts and he simply is not interested in the things people are talking about.  
“Here princess, this will loosen you up.” Gwaine passes Arthur a joint and without thinking Arthur takes it. And Gwaine is right, after a few drags, he’s more relaxed than in a long time. A grin spreads on his face and he feels warm and heavy. Automatically he reaches for the crisps that stand in front of him. Only when the spices shock his tastebuds he realizes what he has done. But now there’s no way he could stop. He eats and eats until he feels his stomach turning. He stumbles outside and throws up behind the bushes. His eyes are watering and his throat and gums are feeling raw from salt, spices and bile. He feels bad for throwing up in someone elses garden, but also he’s so glad that he’s got rid of it all.  
“Arthur?” Someone calls and suddenly Percy stands next to him. “We were looking for you. What are you doing out here?”  
“Watch out. Don’t step into it.” Arthur warns him dryly.  
Percy looks down to his feet.  
“Oh.” He says. “Are you alright Art?” He asks concerned.  
“Yeah, I’m fine.” Arthur takes a step back and let’s himself be lead away by Percy.  
“I want to stay out here. I feel a bit queasy still. The fresh air is helping.” Arthur doesn’t want to go in there, where he finds it hard to breath, hard to suppress the anxiety, tugging at the periphery of his mind.  
Percy nods and goes back inside, while Arthur sits down at the small stone steps that lead into the garden. A few seconds later, Merlin comes out of the back door, handing him a plastic cup.  
“What’s that?” Arthur asks skeptically.  
“It’s water. Percy said you weren’t feeling well and I should bring you that.”  
Arthur chuckles, how fucking polite, typical Percy. He takes the water and sips from it. It’s cold and sweet in his burning mouth. Merlin sits down next to him.  
“What’s going on Arthur?” His face lies in the dark, but he can see that he is eyeing him warily.  
“What do you mean?”  
“Why are you out here, all by yourself?” Merlin asks softly.  
Arthur shrugs his shoulders.  
“I’ve seen you get drunk and high before, but then you were having fun. Now you just look plain miserable. It’s like you’re having your guards up the whole time. We used to talk about everything, now we’re barley talk about something else than school.”  
It’s pulling him forward, his need to get it out and he’s still drunk and high enough that for once there’s no barrier there that tells him that Merlin doesn’t want to know, that he will think he’s weak and pity him.  
“Do you know what it’s like to have something inside of you, that you can’t control? You try and try, but it’s just growing stronger and you wish you could just pull it out?” He asks desperately.  
“What do you mean? What is it you can’t control?” Merlin can’t really make sense of Arthur’s cryptic words.  
“I’m just a weak, pathetic person Merlin. And you shouldn’t be my friend.”  
“Arthur you’re talking nonsense. Look at me!” Merlin sounds so strict that Arthur obeys.  
“You are not weak and you are not pathetic, now tell me what’s going on.”  
“I lied to you, all of you. Sophia didn’t break up with me, I broke up with her, because I have a crush on a boy.” He buries his head in his hands, ashamed.  
Merlin says nothing for a while.  
“So you’re gay or whatever, but why did you lie to us about it?” Merlin’s voice sounds so hurt, that Arthur instantly hates himself even more.  
“Because I was ashamed, there are always these thoughts in my head, about what the others will say, I feel like an disappointment, like if I only could fight this attraction everything would be back to normal.”  
“Whoa, hang on a minute. Is that what you’re thinking about being gay? That it’s not normal? That you have to be ashamed about it? Is that what you are thinking about me?” Merlin questions and it’s only now that Arthur notices how offensive he’s being.  
“No, of course not!”  
“So why are you thinking these kind of things about yourself then?” Merlin asks and Arthur has to admit that his thoughts are lacking any logic.  
“I don’t know. Maybe because of my Dad and how he always tells me that I’m supposed to be his heir, but that I’m not good enough. Can you imagine what he’ll do if he finds out that I like boys too? Maybe he’ll disown me or something.”  
“Your Dad sometimes is a nasty piece of work, but do you really think he’s homophobic? Has he ever said something like that?” Merlin tries it with reason.  
Arthur shakes his head. “No, but you know what he’s like.”  
“Whatever he would say Arthur, it’s your life and you shouldn’t have to hide who you are. Because you’re such a wonderful person.”  
Arthur can feel Merlin’s hand on his back, rubbing small circles into it.  
“That’s cheesy.” Arthur snorts.  
“It’s true!” Merlin says with all the seriousness he can muster.  
They sit in silence for a while until Merlin’s curiosity gets the better of him. “Do I know this guy?” He asks.  
Hesitating Arthur nods. “But I won’t tell you.”  
Merlin sighs. “Okay. For how long do you have a crush on him?”  
“A year, maybe? I don’t know really.”  
“Are you going to tell him?”  
Arthur shakes his head. “Probably not, first I have to sort my head out.”  
“Yeah, you do. Why haven’t you told me earlier? You know I have been through all of this. You were the first one I told, even before my Mum. I could have been there for you.” Merlin takes his hand from Arthur’s back and rubs his hands together to warm them. Arthur notices that Merlin only wears a thin long sleeved shirt. He pulls off his hoodie and hands it to Merlin.  
“Won’t you be cold?” Merlin asks skeptically, holding it.  
“I’ve got more fat than you, I’ll be fine.” Arthur says and Merlin snorts to that.  
“True.” He says pulling the hoodie over his head. It’s way to big on him.  
Thankfully it’s so dark that Merlin can’t see him blush in embarrassment.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> If you like it, please leave kudos or a comment. It would mean a lot to me. Thanks to the few that are commenting regularly!  
> Thank you for reading, hope you enjoy...


	10. By the sea

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> That’s probably as fluffy as it gets and it’s not much, hope you enjoy anyways. Kudos & comments make me really happy!

Spring is evidently in the air, when Arthur throws his bag into the trunk of Gaius old Peugeot, that he reluctantly let Merlin borrow for a trip to his mothers. Merlin has named the car Excalibur, what is ridiculous because it doesn’t look like a proud and mighty weapon, but like it’s only hold together by rust.  
Uther has taken one look at it, raised his eyebrows and asked if they were sure they wanted to take that car. But he isn’t concerned enough to offer them his Mercedes instead. Other than that he has very few obligations against Arthur going on holidays with Merlin for a week.  
“As pale as you are, maybe a week by the sea will do you some good.” He had said when Arthur asked for permission to accompany Merlin to Wales.  
Arthur quickly had lowered his head over his plate, pushing his vegetables around a little more to make it look like he had eaten. 

Merlin puts his backpack in the legroom of the passengers side. “Our supplies” he says. “Did you bring any?”  
Arthur hands him his water bottle and an apple. “I knew you would bring enough to feed a small company, so this is all I have.”  
“I’ve packed all the unhealthy stuff, like crisps, biscuits and tons of chocolate bars.” Merlin lists happily, “but I’ve packed something for Mr. Healthy too, like nuts and dried fruits.” He adds  
“Very considerate of you.” Arthur is positive that right now he is melting like chocolate left in the sun for too long.

„Arthur, can you pass me a sandwich from my bag?” Merlin asks after two hours of driving.  
Arthur pulls the backpack up to his knees and after a bit of searching pulls out a cheese sandwich for Merlin.  
“Aren’t you going to eat something too?” Merlin asks, biting into the bread.  
“Ah, no. I had a big breakfast. I’m still full.” Arthur mutters. Although all he had had was a run and a quick black coffee, standing at the counter. He slowly sips at his water, to calm his stomach down and to keep it from rumbling too loud. 

“I bet my Mum is going to make us something special for tea. But don’t worry I told her that you are a vegetarian. The last two weeks, she kept telling me about the veggie things she was trying out to cook for you.” Merlin chats away cheerfully, while Arthur tries not to panic. He’s been over this with himself. Of course he would be expected to eat, maybe even more than three full meals a day, but he had succeeded in telling himself that they would be so active the whole day, that it wouldn’t matter. It was a shame it still was too cold to go swimming in the sea. But he had packed his running clothes and he could be sure that Merlin wouldn’t join him to run, not in a million years. So he was save there. Everything would be fine. 

Arthur could sense Merlin’s excitement when they finally reached his little home town village. Low stone walls were overgrown with rockery shrubs that were just starting to bloom, while the moos that had grown over decades was gleaming in a rich, dark green.  
It had rained before and now everything was glittering in the last sunlight of the day, when Merlin stops the car in front of a little white cottage, nearly the last house in the village.  
“Home, Sweet Home.” He sighs and then looks over to Arthur and smiles widely. They both get out of the car, but before they can walk up the small footpath to the house, the sea green painted front door swings open and Merlin’s mother smiles at them.  
“Hello boys, I thought I heard something.”  
Merlin all but runs into his mothers open arms.  
Arthur stays back, strangely embarrassed to witness their affectionate reunion. But then Merlin steps aside and Hunith waves him over. She closes her arms around him too.  
“Oh Arthur, love, look at you, so tall and handsome. You’re are going to be such a good looking man.”  
“Wow, I wish you would say the same about me.” Merlin chips in.  
Hunith lets go of Arthur, who tries to control his blushing to no avail, and turns to pinch Merlin in his cheek lovingly.  
“You’ll always be my baby boy. Well, come in boys, I bet you’re hungry.”  
They follow her into the small but cosy kitchen. The ceiling is very low and both boys have to duck their heads by the door sill. Arthur loves it instantly.  
It’s warm and homey, everything is clad in honey colored wood and it smells deliciously. It’s the opposite to the kitchen at home.  
The huge kitchen table is already set and Merlin, quite natural goes to wash his hands by the kitchen sink and then takes his seat on the bench behind the table. Of course he does, Arthur has to remind himself, this is his childhood home. Merlin, obviously has noticed Arthur’s hesitation and pats the space next to him invitingly.  
“Can you point me the way to the bathroom?” He asks instead.  
“Of course, sorry. It’s just down the hall. Last door.” 

Arthur washes his hands over the small sink. Through the window he can see the sea, shimmering like liquid silk in the sundown and a path that leads from the cliff down to the beach. The soap has a flowery scent, but he doesn’t know which flower it could be. He drys his hands on the stiff, air dried towel and tells himself to relax. This is his chance to calm down and to pull himself together again.  
When he comes back into the kitchen, the food already is on the table.  
“It’s a vegetarian version of shepherds pie. The meat is replaced with lentils and mushrooms.” Hunith explains while filling their plates. “I hope you’ll like it.” She expectantly smiles at Arthur.  
He makes sure that he’s the last one to start eating, although he’s got the first plate. When he reluctantly puts the first fork full of the deliciously smelling mush into his mouth he nearly starts to cry. It just tastes so good. It’s hearty and warm, the realest food he’s had in months. He closes his eyes and he swallows.  
“This is so good.” He says and is rewarded with Hunith and Merlin both smiling at him. 

Afterwards they help Hunith to clean up and then they go down to the beach, even though it’s already dark outside.  
Merlin grips Arthur’s arm, to keep him from stumbling over grass roots, sticking out of the sand.  
The sea is just a constant, deep rumbling in the distance, not to be seen in the dark.  
Arthur tilts his head back to look at the sky. There are so many stars.  
“It’s beautiful, isn’t it?” Merlin whispers next to him and Arthur has to fight the urge to take his hand.  
“I don’t understand how you could leave all this behind.”  
“I miss it everyday, believe me, but well, my Mum can write her trashy novels everywhere, but I would need over an hour to school and back. And the city is nice too, at least I’ve got great company there.” He nudges Arthur with his elbow, “There’s nothing much to do around here, it can get really boring.” He says pensively and then just like he remembered something:  
“Come, I want to show you something.” Merlin impiously takes Arthur’s hand and drags him along.  
Merlin leads him up the beach, to a tree trunk, resting in a dune, protected from the wind and the flood. It hasn’t any bark left and shimmers silvery in the sparse light.  
“It’s been here since I was a kid, one day after a storm we found it. Me and Will. We worked for days to get it here. We pretended that it was the skeleton of a whale. We played here for hours. It’s one of my favorite places.”  
Arthur smiles, he can imagine a little Merlin pretending to be a pirate very well.  
They sit and look at the stars, both of them full of longing for each other, physically so close together, but held apart by their fears.

Merlin wakes up to a faint rustling of clothes. He blinks, trying to see what is going on. Arthur sits on his bed, tying his running shoes.  
“Hmm, What are you doing?” Merlin asks, still half asleep.  
“Did I wake you? I’m sorry.” Arthur apologizes. “I’m going out for a run.”  
“Now?” Merlin picks up his phone and squints at the numbers on the screen. It’s 6.30 in the morning. Are you mental?”  
Arthur chuckles quietly. “I want to see the sunrise. Go back to sleep Merlin.” He whispers.  
With a grumpy humph Merlin lets his head sink back to his pillow.  
“Suit yourself.” He mumbles, then he falls asleep again. 

The next days they go on day trips, hiking along the beautiful beaches of wales, visiting castles and little villages by the sea. The level of activity and his early morning runs are keeping Arthur’s discomfort with eating in check and what if some of his lunch regularly ends up as seagull food, but only when Merlin isn’t looking. Arthur’s thoughts aren’t permanently occupied with himself and all that is wrong with him, but rather with the beauty of nature and Merlin’s delightful company. Everything seems easier now that he’s fully emerged into Merlin’s world of magic and fairytales. Wales is full of story’s and Merlin seems to know every single one. Arthur feels like everything is possible. 

And maybe that’s the reason why, on the fifth day, he shyly takes Merlin’s hand when they walk down the small path from the cottage to the beach.  
“I have to tell you something.” He bites his lip nervously.  
Merlin turns his head and looks at him expectantly. “Yeah?” He says, still his hand in Arthur’s, he doesn’t even seem to notice.  
“Maybe this will ruin our friendship, but I need to tell you.”  
“Nothing you say could ever ruin our friendship Arthur, I promise.” He gives Arthur’s hand an encouraging squeeze.  
Arthur takes a deep breath. “The boy I told you about, the one I have a crush on…” he doesn’t finish the sentence, fighting for the courage to say the words that going to change everything.  
Merlin tilts his head, “Did you tell him about it?” It hurts to ask, but he is determined to support Arthur no matter what, even if it breaks his own heart.  
“Merlin, the boy I was talking about is you. I like you, like that...”  
It feels like time stands still. Merlin stares at him, and then suddenly he starts to laugh. Arthur had imagined various reactions from Merlin, but being laughed at wasn’t something he had expected. He wants to run. He wants to run a mile, to get away from this humiliation. He pulls his hand out of Merlin’s grip and already is distancing himself from Merlin. He forces himself to walk slowly, running away now would only add to his embarrassment.  
“Wait Arthur!” Merlin runs after him, pulls at his arm. “Just wait, you moron!” Arthur turns around to look into Merlin’s bright eyes, windswept hair falling into them. He has stopped laughing know, wearing a very serious expression.  
“I was laughing because it’s so fucking ironic. I’ve been in love with you for pretty much the last two years.” He says fondly, lifting his hand to brush Arthur’s hair out of his face.  
“What?” Arthur is totally shellshocked.  
“We are such idiots.” Merlin groans, before he leans forward and places lips softly on Arthur’s, who is to dumbfounded to react the first few seconds. But when he realizes that this is really happening, joy spreads through his whole body and he kisses back.  
Their kiss is soft and warm, slowly opening their mouths, letting the tip of their tongues dance around each other.  
They forget everything around them and in the moment of their first kiss it’s no intruding thoughts, no questions and no worries, it’s only them. When their lips part, they look at each other, both overwhelmed with feelings. And then they both break down with laughter. 

This day they spend on the beach, holding hands and kissing, over and over again. It’s a day full of soft words, tender gestures and smiles, sun and wind. The sea air makes their kisses taste salty, but so sweet too. In the evening they hold hands under the kitchen table and Arthur imagines that he sees a knowing smile play on Huniths lips.


	11. Secrets are short-lived

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don’t know what this chapter even is, but I’m sick in bed and instead of working on my papers I could write this instead.

They keep their relationship a secret, because Arthur isn’t confident enough to make it public yet. Merlin isn’t thrilled by that, but he agrees. He understands.  
“Take the time you need.” He traces Arthur’s features with his fingertips. It tickles, but Arthur holds still. They are in Merlin’s room, lying facing each other on Merlin’s small bed. They are so close to each other that Arthur can see the little specks of gold in Merlin’s eyes. He only has to move millimeters to press his lips against Merlin’s.  
“Thank you.” He murmurs against Merlin’s mouth.  
They kiss and look at each other for a while, until Gaius knocks on the door and calls “Merlin, Arthur, tea is ready.”  
“Are you staying for tea?” Merlin asks, but Arthur shakes his head.  
“Nah, I promised my Dad I would be home at six and have dinner with him.” In reality his father has just started a new project and since he’s back from his trip with Merlin, Arthur hardly has seen him. Which is good, because keeping his relationship with Merlin a secret makes him feel like a liar. Although, technically he’s not even lying. He’s just not telling. He wonders why not telling is making him feel so much more guilty than the actual lying he’s doing everyday about eating. Ah well, lying about eating or rather not eating is necessary, not telling his father about his relationship with a boy is just cowardly.

At school it’s only sideway glances, sometimes a quick brushing of their hands and stolen kisses when they are sure that no one is looking.  
The secrecy last for about two weeks. Then Gwaine walks into them kissing passionately in the empty locker room.  
“Oh my god… I’m so sorry guys!” He exclaims and Arthur turns around just fast enough to see him disappear around the corner again.  
“Fuck!” Arthur screams, kicking one of the lockers.  
Merlin runs his hand over his lips. “Calm down Arthur, it was just Gwaine. He won’t tell anyone.”  
“The fuck he won’t tell anyone, Gwaine is the biggest blabbermouth I know.” Arthur tries to grasp his self control again, but he’s too angry and afraid. He already imagines the gossip spreading.  
“He’s our friend, maybe he’ll tell the others, but I’m sure he won’t tell anyone else.” Merlin reasons.  
“Even so. It’s nobody’s business!” Arthur rages.  
“Because you are so ashamed of our relationship?”  
This question pierces through Arthur’s clouded mind. He restrains his anger and walks over to Merlin.  
“Of course not!” He tries to embrace his boyfriend, but Merlin pushes him away.  
“I know I said you could have all the time you need, but maybe you should think about, if this…us… is something you really want.” Merlin turns around to leave. Arthur wants to follow him, but the coldness in Merlin’s voice keeps him from running after him.  
He sits down on the bench and puts his head into his hands. Being with Merlin makes him incredibly happy, of course it does, but still he’s torn about being bisexual. Even though times have changed it’s not true for everyone and most of all he’s afraid to disappoint his father. He’s always been a bit paranoid about people talking behind his back and he’s sure that his relationship with Merlin will give them a lot to talk.  
Arthur hates himself for his cowardliness, Merlin deserves better. 

He gets up and goes to find Merlin to try and make it up to him.  
He doesn’t need to go far. Merlin and Gwaine are standing in the hallway, talking to each other in hushed voices.  
Arthur’s anger is renewed and he can’t think anymore. He walks over to them, grabs Gwaine by his collar and pushes him violently against the wall.  
“Do not say a word to anyone, or else…” he can’t think of anything to threaten him with. Gwaine is more of less equal in strength. And he can’t hurt him without him fighting back.  
Gwaine, who has recovered from the shock of being attacked out of the blue, pushes him back.  
“Or else what, Princess? You know that I’m not afraid of you. What do you want to do?” He mocks him and before Arthur realizes what happened they are fighting, punching and grappling each other. Merlin tries to separate them, but he’s not strong enough to do it by himself, all he can do is yell at them to stop. It needs Percy and Leon and Lance to end the fight. Leon and Lance are holding Arthur back and Percy has pressed his hand on Gwaine chest.  
“Jesus boys, what’s going on here?” Leon wants to know, but no one answers him. Gwaine wipes his hand over his bleeding lip. “I won’t tell anyone, but I’m doing it for Merlin, not for you!” He hisses and breaks away from Percy. He angrily stomps away and everyone is looking at Arthur for an explanation. All that happens is, that Merlin shakes his head in disbelief. “You’re such an Idiot, Arthur.” He turns around and follows Gwaine outside.  
“Are you going to tell us what this is all about?” Lance looks at Arthur, who shrugs his shoulders. He has nothing to say for himself. All he’s concerned with now is to follow Merlin and to beg for his absolution.  
“I have to talk to Merlin!” He simply states and leaves his friends behind sharing quizzically looks. 

Even though Merlin has made it a condition for forgiving him, Arthur hasn’t had the heart to apologize to Gwaine. It’s his smug smile and the suggestively wiggled eyebrows that are keeping him from it.  
Arthur tries to ignore him as best as he can. And that’s why in practice he passes the ball to Lance, who actually has no chance in getting it, instead of Gwaine who stands free and waves at him.  
Of course he gets berated by the coach for his stupidity. Gwaine is fuming, that much Arthur can tell.  
The practice has not even officially ended, when Gwaine storms over and pushes Arthur angrily.  
“What the hell, Arthur? Is this still about yesterday? Maybe you should get your head out of your arse. What do you think we would do? Stop being your friends? Because you’re having a thing with Merlin? I thought you’d know us better, mate. Did we stop being friends with Merlin?” He still pushes furiously against Arthur’s chest.  
“And talking about Merlin, have you ever thought about how he feels being treated like your dirty little secret? He deserves better than that and you know it!”  
Arthur doesn’t defend himself, he knows that Gwaine is right, Merlin deserves so much better.  
“I’m sorry.” Arthur says sheepishly. “You’re right. I’m sorry.”  
Gwaine pats his shoulder. “It’s fine mate. Just don’t be such a prat!” 

“What was that with Gwaine again? What is going on with you guys?” Lance curiously asks in the changing room and Arthur feels his empty stomach twist when he announces: “I have to tell you something...Merlin and I,” his voice gives up and he has to clear his throat two times before he can continue, “Merlin and I are dating.”  
He expects to be made fun of or some kind of riot. But nothing happens.  
“Good for you!” Is all Leon says and Percy hums in agreement. Lance pats his back and Gwaine just grins like the Cheshire Cat. Even the rest of the team, that’s not part of the inner circle of Arthur’s friends doesn’t react remarkably, they exchange some bewildered glances, but nobody says anything.  
Arthur takes a deep breath and smiles.  
“Thanks guys.” He says quietly.


	12. Thoughts in my head

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Very short chapter, but hopefully intense. Kudos and comments mean a lot to me. I’m always open to constructive criticism...

“You can’t walk home, it’s raining cats and dogs.” Merlin exclaims, looking out of the window.  
Arthur laughs. “Look my jacket has a hood, I’ll be fine.”  
“I don’t understand why you want to walk if the bus is coming every ten minutes.” Merlin is not convinced.  
“Or if you don’t want to take the bus, for whatever reasons, let me drive you.”  
Arthur huffs annoyed, but he knows that Merlin won’t give up on this one. That meant he would have to stay on the treadmill a little longer, at least half an hour. But in sight of the weather, maybe this change of plan wasn’t so bad, at least he wouldn’t get wet and cold.  
“Alright, if you don’t mind driving me?” He finally gives in.  
“Let me get the keys.” Merlin says with a bright smile, glad that he’s talked Arthur round.  
Before Merlin opens the door to go out into the English summer rain, he wraps his arms around his boyfriend.  
“Give us a goodbye kiss.” He demands and Arthur is happy to oblige. They kiss and as always everything is going quiet for a little amount of stolen time. The noise in Arthur’s head stops for as long as the kiss lasts and for once he just exists in the present. Normally he’s divided between the resent past and all he has eaten and the near future, thinking about getting rid of the calories. It’s a steady buzz in the back of his head, somehow always present, but easily ignored when he’s with Merlin. Merlin stands before everything, his bright light outshines all the dire thoughts in Arthur’s head. But when Merlin isn’t there and he’s alone, they come back stronger, nourished from being ignored before.  
It’s so much harder to maintain his diet, having a boyfriend. He can only so often order salad on their dates, ignoring Merlin’s frown. Having been best friends for years, Merlin knows him long enough to remember how much Arthur used to eat and sometimes Arthur thinks he’s getting suspicious. ‘Is that all you are going to eat?’ He sometimes asks, or ‘Didn’t you like it? You left so much on your plate.’ And really, Arthur is running out of believable explanations and excuses. So most of the time he just sucks it up and eats, trains it off vigorously later.  
He now runs for an hour every morning, adding as much running or strength exercise as he thinks he needs depending on what and how much he ate being with Merlin.  
He sometimes thinks about throwing it up, but something is holding him back to go there. If he would throw up his food deliberately, that would mean he’s sick, right? Sport on the other hand is a perfectly normal thing, healthy even, so nothing weird there.  
Back at home he runs on the treadmill until he gets lightheaded and unable to hold his set pace anymore. He slowly runs out until the machine stops and he stands there panting, dripping with sweat. He drinks from his water bottle, slow sips, because he feels nauseous, like he’s going to throw up without doing anything to induce it. He leans his head against the wall, waiting for the darkness before his eyes to pass. Today he has pushed himself a little bit harder, and it takes a bit longer than usual to steady himself, but Merlin had ordered pizza today. Greasy, delicious pizza with so much cheese on it, it was dripping off the slice. By the thought of it his stomach now really turns and he only makes it over to the sink, before he looses it’s contend.  
Afterwards he needs a few minutes to collect himself, then he cleans the sink scrupulously.  
When he’s done, his body has cooled down and the now cold sweat makes him shiver. He feels a headache coming on, rumbling around in his strangely empty head.  
He stumbles over to the scale, steps on it and waits anxiously what it will show. Since he’s with Merlin, he’s gained back some of the weight he had lost. He tells himself that it shouldn’t bother him, that Merlin likes him for his personality and that he wouldn’t care, even if he really was fat, but the problem is that Merlin feels so tiny in his arms, so bony and fragile, that Arthur is afraid to crush him with his weight. Not to mention the poisonous jealousy he feels when he looks at his boyfriends lithe body.  
He’s relieved when the scale shows him that he’s lost a bit of weight, not much, but enough to still his restlessness for the rest of the day.  
He more crawls than walks up the stairs to his room, positive that the shower will warm him up and give him new energy. But it doesn’t, he still feels dead on his feet. Slowly he dresses himself in loose sweatpants and a warm hoody, because even after the hot shower he’s freezing to the bone.  
He lies down on his bed, just to rest for a minute, he still has work to do. But he needs to rest, just close his eyes for a bit.  
That’s how his father finds him an hour later. Sprawled out on the bed, fast asleep. It’s not even 8 o’clock and Uther wonders why he’s already in bed and half has in mind to wake him, but his son looks exhausted, white as a sheet, with dark circles under his closed eyes. Tenderly he brushes Arthur’s hair back to feel his forehead. The skin is cold and clammy, so no fever. He fetches the duvet from Morganas room and covers Arthur with it. He just hopes that the boy doesn’t get sick.


	13. Butter wouldn’t melt

They are at Merlin’s, in the living room, making out on the couch passionately. Gaius still is at work and won’t be back for a while, so they have the whole flat to themselves. They mostly meet at Merlins, because Arthur is more comfortable there than at home. Maybe his home is bigger, more posh and cleaner, but he really is more at ease at Merlin and Gaius’ chaotic, cramped three room apartment.  
It’s their two months anniversary; they are still at a stage where they are counting the days they are together. Of course they don’t mention it, they’re not soppy like that. But secretly they both know. Merlin is pinned to the couch, Arthur on top of him. They have their eyes closed, snogging like there’s no tomorrow, body’s pressed together.  
Merlin quietly moans into Arthur’s mouth and suddenly he can feel the weight on top of him shift and then Arthur stops kissing him. Irritated Merlin opens his eyes, to look into Arthur’s worried face.  
“Am I too heavy for you?” He now supports his weight on his elbows.  
“What? No, I’m fine!” Merlin protests.  
“How many times do I have to tell you, you are not too heavy and you certainly aren’t fat.” It’s exaggerating to have to say it over and over again.  
He had thought that it was a joke, maybe some reversed mocking of his own skinniness. But slowly it began to dawn on him that it wasn’t a joke and that Arthur wasn’t really aware that he was saying things about himself that were disturbing in their self content.  
Arthur always had been more insecure then his demeanor gave away, but being so close to him now, was reveling new levels of insecurity.  
And there’s another thing he’s noticed in the last few weeks and he’s really starting to worry about that. Arthur’s relationship to food seems to have changed completely. It’s just little things, like drinking his coffee pitch black now, instead of sweet and with milk, like he used to. How he always goes for the lowest calorie option and how his portions are shrinking little by little. He hasn’t thought anything bad when Arthur had announced that he wanted to live healthier and started to avoid snacks and unhealthy food, but now it seems as if Arthur avoids most kinds of food and Merlin is not sure if he eats enough at all.  
Merlin pushes himself up to sit. Now the mood is ruined anyway.  
“Arthur, I’m honestly a bit worried, when you say things like that.” He says, taking his boyfriends hand into his.  
“Things like what?” Arthur asks confused.  
“When you ask me if you are too heavy or when you say that you are fat. I mean, look at you, you look beautiful. You are really fit and you know that, don’t you?”  
Arthur nods his head, but avoids looking at Merlin.  
“Yeah, I know. It’s just… you are so slim, it makes me feel a bit chunky next to you.” He admits blushing.  
“You are not chunky, you are strong and athletic and I really like how you make me feel protected when you hold me.” He presses a kiss to Arthur’s temple.  
Arthur smiles. “Okay.” He says.  
“You don’t need to be obsessed with what you eat and how you look, Arthur, because I like you just the way you are, not to mention that you are perfect anyway.”  
“No I’m not, but thank you for saying it.” Arthur protests meekly.  
Merlin smiles. “Agree to disagree, hmm?”  
Arthur takes a glance at his watch. “Well, before we can get into a fight about that, I have to go now. My Dad will be home in an hour.” He kisses shortly and flings his backpack over his shoulder. Merlin accompanies him to the door, where he leans in for a longer goodbye kiss.

Merlin sits on the couch, he has turned on the Telly, but he isn’t watching. Thoughtfully he stares into space. He’s not sure if this conversation went the way it should have and if he got his point across.  
His phone rings and pulls him out of his thoughts. It’s Arthur.  
“Hey Love, have you seen my math textbook? Did I leave it at yours?” He asks, sounding slightly out of breath.  
Merlin looks around, but he sees nothing lying about.  
“No, I don’t think it’s here.”  
“Ah shit, must have left it at school.” He mumbles.  
“I could bring you mine, if you want to.” Merlin offers.  
“That’s very nice love, but I think I just study something else then. Well, gotta go, Dad just came home and we’re going to have dinner in a few minutes. Bye.” The call ends before Merlin can say anything further. Puzzled he stares at his phone. Then he shrugs his shoulders and gets up to clear the table for when Gaius comes home to have dinner with him. Picking up the newspaper to fold it, he discovers Arthur’s textbook underneath. He wonders how it had gotten there.  
He pulls out his phone and writes a message to Arthur. No answer. He ponders a bit, he could just give it to him tomorrow or he could drive over there really quick and give it to him, it’s less than ten minutes by car and it won’t take long to just hand the book over. He knows how stressed Arthur could get if his study schedule got messed up.  
So he grabs the book and the keys and gets into the car. It’s an early summer night, the twilight hour, mild and quiet.  
He just has pulled up in Arthur’s street, when he sees his boyfriend on the other side of the road, jogging past him.  
He’s confused, didn’t Arthur say they were having dinner not fifteen minutes ago? He parks the car in front of the house. Uthers expensive car is nowhere to be seen and the whole house seems to be dark. Merlin curiously gets out of his car and goes to ring the doorbell. Everything stays quiet, nobody opens the door.  
Pensively he goes back to the car, but he doesn’t start it and drives away immediately. He’s thinking. Something is wrong, and he’s not sure what it is. Why would Arthur lie to him. Why would he tell him that his Dad was home and they were having dinner, while instead he goes out running?  
And why would he go out running anyway when he had football practice in the afternoon. That’s enough excise for one day, isn’t it?  
He doesn’t like the feeling in his stomach, when things start clicking.  
Arthur’s rapid weight loss some months ago, always his offhand comments about him being fat, and now lying about eating and over exercising?  
This couldn’t be. Not with someone like Arthur. Someone so popular, athletic, through and through healthy?  
But what if this was more than a bit insecurity about his appearance.  
What if he was hiding something bigger? Something like an eating disorder? 

Like in a trance, Merlin starts the car and drives home again. He’s awake all night, half of it researching on eating disorders and how to tell if someone has one and half of it staring into the dark, wondering what he’s going to do.  
Should he confront Arthur, tell him about his suspicion, or should he wait and observe until he really was sure. Maybe all this wasn’t that big of a deal and he was just overreacting. 

When he gets out of bed the next day, he hasn’t slept for more than two hours.  
He knows that he’s now looking like the walking dead and finds it ironically amusing that from the two of them, he’s going to be the one who is looking ill. 

The first thing Arthur asks, when he sees Merlin’s tired face is “Hey, are you alright?”  
“I didn’t sleep very well.” Is all he says, even if there are countless thoughts in his head, numerous questions he wants to ask.  
Instead he pulls out the textbook and hands it over to Arthur.  
“Oh,” Arthur laughs “Where was it?”  
Merlin only shrugs his shoulders.  
“Are you sure you are alright?” Arthur asks worriedly.  
“I’m fine.” Merlin snaps irritable.  
“Okay, but if you want to talk…” Arthur offers quietly.  
Merlin shakes his head. ‘Like you are talking to me.’ He thinks bitterly.  
“I didn’t had the time to have breakfast, I’m going to buy something from the bakery. Do you want something too?” Merlin watches Arthur carefully while suggesting it.  
“No, I had breakfast at home, but I wouldn’t say no to a coffee.”  
Merlin couldn’t tell if it was a lie or the truth, if not, Arthur was lying without batting an eyelid.  
“Sure.” 

“Hey, I brought you a sandwich, thought you wouldn’t have the time to get one.” Merlin says with a tight little smile, pushing the bread over to Arthur, who makes no move to pick it up.  
“Oh thanks, but I already had one on the way, with Leon and Percy.” He says casually. But now Merlin knows that Arthur is lying. He just had talked to Percy in the cafeteria, asking him if he knew if Arthur had already eaten. Percy had shrugged his shoulders and told him that he hadn’t seen Arthur since practice ended. He wants to call him out on this lie, but this is not the place and time to have this conversation.  
“Ok, put it away for later, maybe you’ll be hungry then.” He whispers. Arthur tilts his head a bit and shoots him a quizzical glance, but then he nods and puts it into his backpack. 

Merlin is positive that he’s missed every word their English teacher has to say about Paradise lost, his thoughts are occupied with more important things. Like how to tell his boyfriend that he’s worried about him, that he thinks he might has an eating disorder. 

“What’s up with you today darling? You aren’t even listening to me.” Arthur complains. He’s sitting on the counter, next to where Merlin prepares some eggs, dangling his feet and munching on the apple Merlin had pushed into his hand earlier.  
He’s the perfect picture of health and happiness and Merlin wonders if he’s got it all wrong. Maybe he should just leave it, at least until he’s really sure. But what if the apple and the eggs he’s making are all Arthur is going to eat today? He doesn’t want to sit back and wait till it’s too late.  
“For heavens sake, Merlin, could you please not use so much butter?” Arthur suddenly blurts out.  
Merlin looks into the pan, where a reasonable sized piece of butter is melting peacefully.  
“Arthur, I think we need to talk!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So there it goes. Merlin knows. What will happen next, send me your suggestions if you want to, maybe they’ll make it into my thinking/writing process.  
> Thank you for reading and even a bigger thank you if you’re leaving kudos or a comment!


	14. You’re the one with the problem, not me

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After over two months spending nearly every day in the library, one would think I don’t want to write another word, but here you go, just one day after I finished my assignments for this semester, I’m back to writing... I must be crazy...  
> well I hope you enjoy, kudos and comments are always very very welcome and really mean the world to me! Thank you so much for reading!!

Arthur coughs, nearly choking on his apple.  
“What?” He asks stunned.  
“I think you have an eating disorder.” Merlin repeats as calmly as he can muster. Arthur hops down from the counter and angrily crosses his arms in front of his chest.  
“First I’m depressed, now I have an eating disorder? What the hell makes you think that?” He’s very close to yelling and Merlin can see how much he wants to shake him or something, but he doesn’t do that anymore. He’s much more self-controlled than when he was younger.  
Merlin swallows thickly. “Because you’ve lost weight, you overexercise and you lie about eating!” He’s trying hard to stay calm, but he really can’t. Worry is eating away at him.  
“And then you always say things like that you are fat, but you’re really not.” Tears are making his vision a bit blurry and they are threatening to spill.  
“We talked about that yesterday, I told you what makes me feel that way. I know it’s a bit weird, but that doesn’t mean I have an eating disorder. This is ridiculous.”  
“Is it?” Merlin asks quietly, “Then why did you lie to me about eating?”  
“When did I lie to you?” Arthur’s confidence does not waver, or so it seems to Merlin. He’s almost doubting himself now, but he knows. He just knows.  
“When you told me that you were having dinner with your dad, instead you went out running and today you said you had a sandwich with the boys, but they told me that you disappeared right after practice.”  
Seconds tick by and Arthur says nothing, only stares at Merlin. Then he shoves him out of his way almost violently. He bends down to collect his backpack and his jacket.  
“Arthur, please…” Merlin puts his hand on his boyfriends arm to hold him back, “please Arthur, we can talk about this. Find a solution.”  
Arthur shakes Merlin’s hand of. “You were spying on me, making up stuff, I don’t know why you do it, but this is your problem, not mine. I’m out of here. And don’t call me, unless it’s to apologize.” He hisses, before he storms out, slamming the door behind him.  
Merlin is left standing in the middle of the room, biting into his finger to keep himself from sobbing uncontrollably. He knows it will be no good running after Arthur now. He needs to cool down first, before there might be a chance to have a reasonable conversation with him.  
At least now he knows that he was right. Something is wrong, otherwise Arthur wouldn’t have reacted this way. But he is going to fix it. He will make sure that Arthur eats, simple as that.

Arthur only keeps it together until he’s two houses farther down the street. He had tried to mask his fear with anger, but inwardly he was freaking out. Now his breaths are coming fast and shallow, he doesn’t get enough air in his lungs. He bends forward, placing his hands on his knees like he does after running, but it doesn’t really help. His hands are shaking when he reaches up to brush his hair away from his face. Cold, sticky sweat is covering his body by now and he feels as if he’s about to collapse, right here on the street. He sinks down to his knees, because they are to weak to carry him anymore. The tears come involuntary, he hates crying. His father hates it when he cries. But once the tears have started, there’s no way of stopping them. He forces himself on his feet again, stumbles down the street, it doesn’t feel real, it’s like he’s not real. He crosses the street without looking, eyes unseeing, still clouded with tears. Brakes screech and people are yelling at him.  
“Boy, do you want to die?” The man in the car closest to him bellows. Arthur doesn’t turn around, the question only scrapes his consciousness. He’s not sure how he’s gotten home, when he closes the door to his room and sinks down to the floor, he’s still like in a trance. Because what he’s going to do now? Merlin won’t let this go just like that. If his boyfriend is one thing besides chaotic it’s persistent. He knows that Merlin will watch him, make sure he eats all the fatty, unhealthy foods he shoves down his own throat. But Arthur won’t let him, this is his body and he only eats want he wants to eat and if it’s nothing he wants to eat, so be it. Merlin maybe calls it an eating disorder, Arthur calls it discipline and self-control. Merlin just has no understanding for an healthy lifestyle, he avoids sports like the plague and he eats all that greasy, unhealthy stuff. It’s unfair that he’s such a skinny git, who doesn’t get fat, whatever he does to his body. Arthur is going to have to sit him down and explain it to him. He needs to stay calm, freaking out won’t convince his boyfriend that he’s perfectly alright.  
Arthur takes a deep breath and uncurls himself, there’s no time for moping. He is going to make a plan on how to convince Merlin that he’s alright and there’s no need to worry. 

“Arthur.” Uther says, once, and when his son keeps staring at his untouched plate, he says it again, sharper this time. “Arthur!”  
Arthur visibly startles and then adverts his eyes at his fathers face. He had been contemplating strategies to convince Merlin that he was eating properly and completely forgot to play the part for his father. But Uther usually is too occupied with his own thoughts to pay him much attention, bad luck he's changing his ways tonight.  
“Yes?” He asks, sounding miles away.  
Usher eyes his son worriedly, taking in his pale face and his glassy eyes. “Are you alright?”  
Arthur nods slowly. “Yeah, why you’re asking?” He plays with his fork nervously, but he still hasn’t took one bite from his meal.  
“You’re not eating.” His father points out.  
“I’m not hungry.”  
Uther is irritated by the defensiveness in Arthur’s tone. “I get that a lot from you lately. What’s going on?” He demands to know.  
“Nothing. I’m tired.”  
“You say this a lot too.” He’s getting impatient, he’s not good in getting secrets out of his kids, never was.  
“Arthur, if there’s something you want to tell me, you know you can, right? Is it school? Do you have problems to keep up? Is it girl trouble?” That’s all the problems he can think of a seventeen year old boy might have.  
But Arthur just shakes his head and stands to clear away the dishes, including his still full plate.  
Uther frowns to that. “Are you sure you don’t want to eat anything?”  
“Yes, I’m not hungry. How often do I have to tell you? Can’t you leave me alone just once?” Arthur snaps and storms away, into the kitchen. Uther stares after him, feeling quite puzzled. What has he done wrong this time? He sighs deeply, Arthur used to be the easy one, but now that Morgana is somewhat sorted and he’s trying to get closer to his son, Arthur is becoming difficult and closed of. Ah well, that’s how teenagers are, right?


	15. Guilt

The next day, Arthur gets up a little bit earlier than usual, he needs to cut up some fruits and vegetables, so he’ll have something he can eat in front of Merlin during the day. He goes out on his run first, because this is something he can’t cut short. God knows what Merlin will be trying to feed him over the day.  
Back from his run, he hops under the shower quickly, trying to cool himself down with the cold water. Getting out of the shower he leans over to wipe the steam of off the mirror so he can examine himself. His body has subtly changed over the last months, his muscles getting leaner, now that he doesn’t do as much strength training and concentrates more on endurance sports. Also he thinks that his collarbones are looking more prominent, but he isn’t sure about that. He only knows that he prefers his body like that. He won’t let someone else ruin it. He dresses himself hurriedly after he realizes how much time he has lost in front of the mirror, staring at himself.  
His father walks into the kitchen, fully dressed in his business suit, adjusting his tie, just when Arthur turns on the blender, to prepare himself a protein shake, that is low in calories.  
“You’re up early.” His father shouts over the noise and Arthur shrugs his shoulders, before turning it of.  
“Yeah.” He says, purring the colorless mass into a glass.  
“That looks unpleasant.” Uther shakes his head in disgust. “I hope that’s not all you are having for breakfast.” He says with a nod to the drink Arthur is sipping on.  
“Oh no, I had toast with bananas and honey before I went on my run.” Arthur lies easily and turns around to start chopping an apple, putting the pieces into a plastic box.  
Uthers hand hovers over the fruit bowl where he’s about to pick himself an apple to eat in the car. He’s pretty sure he took the last banana yesterday morning. But why should Arthur tell him things that are not true? He simply must have overseen one. It’s strange however. He turns around to maybe ask Arthur about it, but his son is already gone. This is a repeating occurrence lately. Arthur is like a picture puzzle, one moment he’s there but within a blink of his eye he’s just gone again.

Arthur nervously waits for Merlin to get on the bus. He doesn’t know if he should initiate the conversation about his eating habits or if he should ignore it and act as if nothing has happened until Merlin brings it up again. Because Arthur knows that he is going to bring it up again.  
When Merlin gets on the bus and walks up to Arthur, who has saved him a spot next to him, as usual, he looks miserable and Arthur must just look as miserable as Merlin does, because they both say “I’m sorry” simultaneously. Merlin smiles a little tired smile when he sits down next to Arthur.  
“I’m sorry about yesterday, I shouldn’t have brought it up the way I did. I understand if this isn’t something you can easily talk about.”  
“Merlin, there’s nothing to talk about. You’ve got it all wrong.” He protests.  
Merlin looks at Arthur with an expression that has ‘oh please’ written all over his face. It irks him. He lowers his voice, because he don’t want to have other people listening in on them. “I don’t have an eating disorder. I just eat differently then you do. There’s nothing wrong with trying to be healthy, is there?” He asks.  
“No, but what you are doing is not healthy Arthur. It’s good to eat fruits and raw vegetables, but it shouldn’t be the only things you eat. And not so little. I bet you burn more calories by working out than you consume. This doesn’t add up in the end. Your body won’t tolerate that over a very long time.” Merlin can’t help but get upset again. Why isn’t Arthur realizing what he’s doing to himself?  
“I eat. I balance my calorie intake very well. You just don’t see all the things that I am eating.” Arthur explains.  
“Well then tell me what you had for breakfast.” Merlin asks challenging, thinking that he might be able to throw Arthur off his guard with a surprise question.  
But Arthur only pops a chewing gum in his mouth, so Merlin won’t be able to smell his bitter breath, caused by his almost empty stomach. He had expected the question and uses the same answer as with his father.  
“Tow Toast with bananas, topped with honey and a coffee.” He says calmly. “Do you want to know anything else, sweetheart? How often I use the toilet, maybe?” He asks sarcastically and feels a bit satisfied when his boyfriend blushes.  
“I just want you to be okay.” Merlin murmurs quietly and Arthur immediately feels bad for saying things like that to Merlin. He sighs.  
“I’m fine Merlin, really, I promise. There’s nothing wrong, I’m eating healthy and appropriate to my level of activity.” He knows that this is not true, hasn’t been for a few months now, but what else is he going to say? 

Of course Merlin isn’t satisfied with him nibbling at his carrot sticks and apple slices and so he ends up eating a blueberry muffin that’s entirely to sweet and seems to be getting bigger and bigger in his mouth until it threatens to choke him. Merlin doesn’t notice Arthur’s struggle to not spit it out, he only smiles and pats him on the back. 

In the evening Arthur sports a headache and is relieved when he finally is alone. He tries to shake the guilty feeling, he loves Merlin, he really does, but he can’t stand having food shoved in his face the whole day. And even worse is the look in Merlin’s eyes, that practical screams worry.  
He’s just glad that, when he runs, the buzz in his head gets more bearable and everything slows down and gets calmer. So he runs and runs, until he feels too tiered to be thinking about all this mess anymore. To get out of eating the take away his father brings home every night, he prepares steak and salad for the both of them. Of course it’s only salad for him, but as long as he’s eating, his father won’t complain. Uther is pleasantly surprised when he finds a home cooked meal waiting for him when he comes home.  
Arthur thought, that he would feel better, eating what he himself has made, at least he knows what’s in it. But it still doesn’t feel right. He mulls over what he had throughout the day and he’s not sure if he isn’t forgetting something. He can’t eat the salad, he just can’t. The guilty feeling is back with full force. He thinks that all he’s feeling lately is guilt. Guilt about not wanting to be with Merlin and guilt about being with him in the first place. Guilty about lying to his father, about lying in general. And overall he feels guilty about eating. He doesn’t even know which one is the most suffocating.  
“Dad, I have to tell you something.” He says, pushing his plate away. Meeting his fathers greenish grey eyes, when he finally feels brave enough to lift his gaze from his untouched silverware.  
“Yes, Arthur?” Uther is looking at him expectantly.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What do you think Arthur is going to tell his father?


	16. Acceptance?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Ok, so a tw for a fairly descriptive scene of disordered eating within this chapter.

Arthur doesn’t know how to say it. He has imagined this conversation for over two months, but now that he’s actually wanting to tell his father, all the words are missing.  
He takes a deep breath and then plunges right into it.  
“Dad, I’m with Merlin…like… in a relationship.” He keeps staring at his hands, because he can’t look at his father. He waits for the yelling to start. For hurtful words, that call him a disgrace and disappointment. But instead, Uther stays silent. After a while he clears his throat.  
“Arthur?” He asks, gently. “Can you please look at me?”  
Reluctantly Arthur shifts his gaze from his hands to his fathers face. Although he doesn’t succeed to look him in the eyes properly.  
“Well, I wouldn’t say, that I’m not surprised. I wouldn’t have thought…” Uther doesn’t end the sentence, maybe he doesn’t know how without sounding insulting.  
“How long have you two been together?” He asks, in lack of a better question.  
“Two months now.” Arthur says sheepishly, still wary of his fathers reaction. Maybe the yelling is still to come.  
“Why didn’t you tell me?”  
Arthur’s not sure if he should answer the question truthfully, but he can’t think of anything else to say. “Because I wasn’t sure how you’d react.” He says with a shoulder shrug.  
Uther seems to be taken aback. “Is that the reason why you’ve been acting so strange lately? Because you thought I would react differently? How did you think I would react?” He asks, even though he knows the answer.  
Arthur answers anyway. “I thought you might hate me.” He admits quietly.  
“Why would I? It’s not like we live in the 50ties anymore, do we? As long as your grads stay on top, I don’t care who you date. Now eat your salad, it starts to wilt.” And so this conversation is over. Arthur can’t believe it. It went better than he had hoped for, but somehow he still feels disappointed. He had expected that coming out to his father, would take a huge weight off of his shoulders, but now there’s just a lingering sadness. The salad is indeed soggy and already looks disgusting. He won’t put that in his mouth.  
“I’ll eat something later.” He says, while starting to clear the table.  
“Arthur, I demand that we at least have dinner together. Stop stuffing your face with your friends after school. It spoils your appetite. You’re welcome to invite Merlin if you want to, but if you do so, please inform me beforehand.” He states formally and Arthur thinks that he sound as if he’s talking to a business partner. He’s tempted to answer with a brisk “yes, sir!” like they do in American movies. He doesn’t do it though, he only bows his head and gets up quickly. The sooner he’s out of here, the better. He feels a bit dizzy though. But he only got up too fast, nothing to worry about. Uther retreats to his study, while Arthur goes up to his room. He pulls out his books. But he doesn’t open them, he only stares down at his French textbook and wonders why he feels so lost. He guesses that he should be grateful for his fathers acceptance, but it doesn’t really feel like acceptance. It hurts that his father doesn’t care enough to ask him if he’s happy, that he doesn’t show any sign of interest in his life, beyond the grades and accomplishments. Well, as long as he stays on top of his class, he can date whoever he wants, that’s something, isn’t it? He sighs and opens his textbook. At least he knows where he stands now. Problem with keeping his grads up is, that he can’t concentrate. Whole lessons go by, where he can’t remember a single word the teacher had said. At home it is hard to focus on the things he should learn, his brain is clouded, he keeps reading the same sentences over and over again, but they don’t make sense. He suspects that he’s giving his body and brain not enough food and nutritions to function on properly. He’s so hungry right now, all he can think of is food. Merlin doesn’t understand, that he wants to eat. He wants to eat and eat and eat, he really does. He loves food. He even dreams about it. He just can’t. If he would allow himself to indulge in all the food he wants to eat, he wouldn’t be able to stop. He would gorge on all these wonderful, tasteful things and he would loose control, he would get fat. And then he wouldn’t be anything more than a sad, fat gay loser, that people would feel entitled to make fun of.  
Tonight the hunger is deeper than usual, it’s unbearable so. He knows that’s because he’s feeling sad and hurt right now. But eating won’t make these feelings go away, it just buries them under a layer of fat. It doesn’t help, not anymore. He has a stash of sweets and snacks in a box under his bed. He used to turn to his little treasure box, whenever he felt lonely or angry or sad, anything negative really. He hasn’t touched the box in nearly a year now, not since the day he realized he was in love with his best friend. That night, after Merlin had left, he sat on the floor and ate it all. Stuffing the chocolate into his mouth with his fingers, nearly throwing up in his haste to fill the gaping hole inside him. He ate and ate until he couldn’t taste anything anymore and finally he threw up. Right there on the spot, not even able to make it to the bathroom. A disgusting dark brown puddle of chewed up chocolate chunks and crisps in front of him. Parts of it still stuck in his throat, chunks in his mouth and nose, the bile burning the mucosa. He just sat there and stared on what he had done, coughing up pieces from time to time. Then he got up to clean it up. He refilled the box, but he didn’t touch it for a while. He crossed the night out of his mind, tried to forget all about it. It was a weird thing to do, so he stopped doing it. Although occasionally he took a chocolate bar from the box, like the one he had been eating when his father told him that he was making himself fat and ugly with eating that crap.  
He gets to his knees and reaches under the bed for the box. Everything is still there, shining and glistening in bright, shiny colors, that suggest that it’s content will have the power to make him happy. Arthur stomach is turning just by touching their glossy surfaces. He violently pushes the box away from him, back to it’s spot under the bed.  
But he needs to eat something. It doesn’t have to be a chocolate bar, he tells himself, but he needs something, because his head is just filled with cloudy thoughts about food and he can’t fucking focus. He creeps downstairs, already torn between the guilt that he’s about to eat something and the awareness that if he doesn’t, there will be consequences. He roams through the overfilled refrigerator, finally deciding on a fat free yoghurt. It’s cold and smooth on his tongue and in the past he would have said, that it tastes like barely nothing, but now it’s nearly too much on his tastebuds. He leans at the counter and puts spoon after spoon in his mouth, it doesn’t do anything to lessen his hunger, that’s a shame, because this is all he’s going to give. He hopes it will be enough to get a bit of studying done, because he is going to stay on top of his class and he’s going to earn his fathers love.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, it’s short chapters with this one, but the next one should be longer and maybe from Merlin’s pov. I don’t like to write it strictly in povs because I’m convinced, that my readers are intelligent enough to figure out who’s thinking what, if not, I’m a bad writer.  
> If you like this story or if you have something to say about it, like constructive criticism, don’t be shy and leave a comment or a kudos. I appreciate every one of them and answer to every comment.  
> Thank you for reading so far!!!


	17. If you tell anyone...

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Well there goes my long Labor Day weekend, lying in bed alone because of a terrible cold, hope you have a better one than me. If you don’t, well maybe this fic is for you. Sad and angsty all the way.  
> If you like it anyway, please let me know through giving kudos or leaving a comment, it would mean a lot to me.  
> Special Thanks to the readers who leave comments regularly, you know who you are ;)

It’s at the game on Saturday, when Arthur finally admits that he’s not eating right, although it’s more a slip of the tongue than anything else.  
Gwen and Merlin are watching their boys playing football, cheering them on from the tribune. It’s a good game and they are on the winning side, Merlin is on the edge of his seat when Arthur makes a run for the goal. But suddenly he trips and loses the ball. He holds his head, looking a little bit confused and dizzy. He stumbles off the field, to the bench. Merlin can see that he literally drops down on the bench. Gwen grabs his arm with an startled intake of breath. “What happened?” She whispers.  
“I don’t know.” He whispers back, suddenly scared. “I’m going to find out.” Merlin nearly trips himself and falls down the stairs arse over tits, so hastily he tries to get down there. Merlin doesn’t wait for Arthur to finish his hushed conversation with the trainer and slips on the bench next to Arthur.  
“What happened?” He hisses.  
The trainer looks a bit irritated at Merlin, but then again turns to Arthur.  
“You should drink some water, Arthur.” He says before he goes to observe the game again.  
“What happened?” Merlin asks again.  
“Nothing, hun, don’t worry.” Arthur says dismissively.  
“Looked a lot like you nearly fainted out there.” Merlin presses.  
“I just felt a little bit dizzy, I probably was a bit dehydrated, the sun and all, you know?” He shrugs his shoulders, sipping on his water bottle.  
Merlin sighs. “Don’t lie Arthur. This is because you didn’t eat, did you? What did you have for breakfast?”  
“I had a protein shake. I didn’t feel like eating this morning.” He admits.  
“You know that’s not enough, Arthur!” It makes him angry, how Arthur simply ignores common sense.  
“I know, but I was nervous. It’s an important game.” He tries to explains himself.  
“And you putting it in jeopardy with your unhealthy eating habits, don’t you see that?” Merlin points out.  
“Don’t be mad, Merls, I made a mistake. But I tell you what, when we all go out after the game I’ll eat what ever you think is appropriate. Do we have a deal?” He asks hopefully.  
Merlin can feel his resistance melting away, everyone makes mistakes. He nods reluctantly.  
“Thanks darling.” Arthur leans over and places a peck on Merlin’s cheek, that makes Merlin forget all his worries. Arthur kissed him in public, for everyone to see, it’s bound to make him happy. Arthur takes one more sip from his bottle, then he jogs on the field again.

But the worry is back soon, as Arthur gets thinner and Merlin doesn’t really understands it. He knows that Arthur skips breakfast, but that’s why he makes sure that he eats something during the first break, and even if it’s just fruit. He watches him eat lunch, he cooks for them after school and he sees Arthur eating what he makes for him. He tries to come up with things that are healthy but still nutritious, so Arthur will feel better about eating them. And even if he skips dinner at home he should keep his weight up, but he doesn’t. It’s subtle, not as noticeable as it was when he was with Sophia, but Merlin can see it. Suddenly Arthur’s belt is one hole tighter, or his shoulder blades jut out a few more millimeters, his muscles getting leaner with each passing week. Arthur says it’s because he switched weightlifting with running, it’s bound to change his body. Merlin isn’t convinced that all this comes from running. He starts to follow Arthur to the bathroom, just to be sure that Arthur keeps down what he’s eating. It annoys Arthur, who knows why Merlin is tailing him.  
“I won’t throw up, Merlin, you’ve got to stop thinking that I’m like that. I’m not, I don’t have an eating disorder, stop imagining things!” He says exasperated, when he comes to wash his hands, talking to the mirror rather than to Merlin. Gwaine finds it funny when they leave for the toilets together. “Have you two turned into girls that need to go together or do you do dirty things in there?” He asks with a smirk. They both blush in embarrassment.  
Still Merlin doesn’t understand how Arthur is losing weight. 

Arthur has bought himself his own scale, because he now weights himself twice a day, sometimes more often. Sometimes he wakes up in the middle of the night, overwhelmed with the urge to know if he’s gained weight. He can’t always sneak down to the workout room, Uther might catch him. So he has his own scale, tucked away on the bottom of his closet, behind his running gear. He also has started to write down what he’d been eating, because under Merlin’s watchful eye and his constant nagging to eat more, he loses track of what he’s had throughout the day. He still doesn’t count calories, because it’s making his head spin, he’s just not good in it. He just tries to eat as little as possible, without anyone noticing. The rest he tries to get off with working out. He often wakes up around five in the morning, and it’s hard to go to sleep again. Sometimes he then does sit-ups and push-ups, until he’s sweating and panting. He starts to set his alarm that early deliberately. He develops a few tricks to make it seem like he clears his plate every night, but it only works with Uther, who is always somewhat absent minded. It certainly doesn’t work with Merlin. He’s used to the hunger by now, so much that sometimes he doesn’t feel it anymore. But it’s absence makes him panic.  
He knows that he’s unbearable sometimes, snappy and cruel, displaying intense mood swings, Merlin has to suffer the most from them, but he seems the only one that can handle them too. He always knows how to make him smile again, even if he felt like crying moments ago, he knows how to calm him down when he’s so angry that he wants to break stuff. He always knows how to give Arthur hope, when everything seems to be senseless.  
Morgana isn’t talking to him, refusing to answer his FaceTime calls, because he said something mean about her new boyfriend the last time they talked. Arthur can’t really remember what he had said.  
Last week Lance came to him, fuming with anger, ready to punch him, because Gwen had been crying, saying that Arthur had called her fat. He didn’t, at least he hadn’t meant it like that, she only was becoming so persistent and annoying in shoving food down his throat, she was competing with Merlin. They had fought over a Muffin and Arthur had said that if she was eating things like that, she shouldn’t complain over her wide hips. He knew this was a sore point and he immediately regretted saying it, but at least she had left him alone. He wanted Lance to hit him for the things he said to Gwen, but he didn’t, he only demanded that Arthur would apologized to her.  
“Arthur, I don’t know what is going on with you, but it’s going on for a while now. If you need to talk we are here for you, you know that, right?” Lance had said, with a hand on his shoulder trying to look into Arthur’s eyes. Arthur had looked at the floor instead.  
Gwen had thrown her arms around him, after he apologized, telling him that he was forgiven. He felt like he didn’t deserve it. 

His grades were slipping. He couldn’t concentrate. Learning beforehand was incredible hard and during the tests he was panicking because nothing seemed to made sense.  
“You need food for your brain to function.” Merlin whispered next to him, handing him an granola bar. The teacher looked at them warningly.  
He ate the damn thing, it changed nothing. It’s still a C.

Uther is furious over Arthur’s slipping grades, insisting that Arthur stays home to study all weekend.  
“I warned you Arthur, if you can’t keep your grades up, you can’t see Merlin.” He yells. 

“It’s not my fault.” Merlin says quietly when Arthur tells him he’s forbidden from seeing him, until he does better in school. “It’s not my fault and you know it. That’s all you, doing this to yourself. We should tell someone, get some help, because you don’t seem to get better.” He admits defeated. He thought he could make it better, he thought he could help his boyfriend, but it’s not enough, he’s not enough. Arthur seems to get deeper into his head by each passing day, being consumed by whatever dark thoughts have nested in there. And even if he sees him eat, Merlin can tell it’s not alright. And it’s not going to be on it’s own.   
“I’m fine Merlin, how many times do I have to tell you?”  
“Are You? Are you fine?” Merlin says quietly and he can’t suppress the tears that are filling his eyes.  
They stare at each other for a while, and Arthur says nothing, until he bows his head. This is answer enough for Merlin. He puts his hands on Arthur’s arms.  
“We can get you help Arthur, we can talk to the counselor or to a doctor, yeah? They can help you.” He promises.  
But Arthur lifts his head and his normally soft blue eyes are hard as steel now.  
“If you tell anyone, we are finished. Do you understand?” He hisses and Merlin can tell that he means it.  
Merlin feels as if all life is sucked out of him suddenly. He doesn’t want to lose Arthur, so he nods.


	18. Suspicions arise

“Bloody hell, Arthur, can’t you just concentrate? You’ve written down the wrong numbers. Again!” Uther is loosing his patience to say the least. For more than two hours now he’s been sitting next to his son trying to help him with his problems in math. He really has better things to do, than going over these equations over and over again. And Arthur isn’t even trying. That’s what’s irks him the most. He’s sacrificing valued time and his son is just playing dump. It’s the third time in a row that he’s written down the wrong numbers. He sees that Arthur’s hand is shaking, while he rubs the erasure over the paper, smudging everything to an unreadable mess. Maybe it’s enough for today. He puts his hand over Arthur’s to stop his movement, surprised how cold they are. He turns a little bit to look at his son properly. He’s pale, again, with bags under his eyes, the skin so thin that he can see the light blue blood vessels running underneath them. It looks like he hasn’t slept properly in days. Was he always that thin?  
Arthur’s distant behavior had worried him lately, he had to admit that, but then his son had come out to him and he had been sure that this was the reason he seemed so down. He just had been afraid of his reaction. But he was sure he had diverted all Arthur’s fears. He just wanted him to be a happy, successful young man. Sexuality wasn’t what it used to be anymore and he had understood and accepted that. Arthur could lead the company with a boyfriend or husband by his side, he really didn’t care. It even wasn’t that much of a problem with kids nowadays and he was still hopeful that one day one or even both of his children would grace him with grandchildren.  
But Arthur still seemed pensive and somehow tired and sick. Something was going on, bothering his son and he had no ideas what it could be. Now even his grades were slipping. Uther sighs and wishes to once again that his wife hadn’t died, leaving him alone to deal with the world and his children on his own. He missed her so much, even after seventeen years he thought of her every day. He sighs again.  
Arthur next to him is getting up and he only sees it out of the corner of his eye that his son suddenly is swaying, clutching the edge of the table, so he wouldn’t crash down to the floor.  
“Arthur!” He yells out, gripping him around his shoulder, easing him back into the chair. Arthur stares at him with glassy eyes. He leans in close so he won’t miss anything.  
“What’s wrong?” He asks worriedly.  
Arthur continues to stare blankly for a second, before he seems to shake the dizziness and answers.  
“I don’t know, I just felt… dizzy for a moment. Must have gotten up too fast.” He offers an explanation, but Uther is not buying it. Arthur didn’t get up too fast, in fact he was moving slow, slower than normally, like in a kind of trance and the first thing that comes to Uther mind are drugs. It would explain a lot - like his gaunt appearance, why he always was so irritable lately, the slipping grades and his lack of appetite.  
“Did you take anything? Are you high?” He asks, without thinking. And Arthur just looks at him, with these eyes that reveal, that his mind is miles away. He laughs. It’s short and humorless.  
“No.” He says simply. “I don’t do drugs.”  
Uther isn’t convinced, “then tell me what’s wrong with you!” He’s determined to find out what’s going on, because something clearly is going on, that much is obvious.  
“Nothing, I’m just tired.” Arthur says and he well looks like it. Uther would believe him, if he hadn’t heard this excuse so many times lately. He stretches out his hand to feel Arthur’s forehead, expecting it to be hot, burning with fever, but instead finding it cold and sticky with sweat. Something isn’t right.  
“We should get you an doctors appointment, you’re sick a lot lately aren’t you?”  
“No, I don’t need a doctor. I just need a bit of sleep and I’ll be fine, I promise.” It’s the hint of panic in Arthur’s voice that makes Uther suspicious. Now he’s sure that Arthur’s trying to hide something, and he sure as hell will find out what it is. 

Merlin lies on his bed, staring at the ceiling, wondering what he should do. He hadn’t seen Arthur all weekend and he couldn’t help but wonder how he was, if he had eaten something. He was starting to feel like a worried mother and he really hated that. But Arthur was driving him crazy. He loved him so much, always had, that he was sure he would do anything for him. And he knew that this was bad. Because Arthur wanted him to keep silent about his eating disorder, so much that he threatened to breakup with him if he didn’t. Merlin quickly pushed the thought aside that Arthur loved his sickness more than he loved him. Merlin had read about this sort of behavior and now that he was experiencing it firsthand, it made him just feel as helpless and angry as everybody else who was writing about it. But still telling someone wasn’t an option. He was convinced that Arthur was different. Once he understood, truly understood, what damage he was doing to his body, he would stop and they would be the happy couple they were supposed to be. Merlin was sure of that. He had to be, otherwise it would make him so restless, he couldn’t sit down a minute in peace. Right on cue he jumps up again and starts to pace around his room, all this is eating him up with worry. 

Arthur hadn’t eaten all day. At least he could get something positive out of being forbidden to see Merlin. Except for Merlin nobody cared if he ate or not. He had told his father, that he had made himself a sandwich for lunch, but in reality he hadn’t been close to the kitchen the whole day. He was feeling the lack of nutrition making him feel shaky. But this was only a sign that it all was working. Nearly fainting in front of his father on the other hand wasn’t something he wanted. That was a stupid accident. Now he had to fear his fathers prying. A doctors appointment was the last thing he needed. He nearly had to laugh at his fathers suspicion of him doing drugs. He hadn’t smoked weed in several months now, because he wasn’t able to resist stuffing himself with food when the munchies hit, so nothing to be found there. Other stuff he hadn’t touched anyways.  
But knowing his father, he was sure that by tonight, when the financial news run at the latest, he would have forgotten all about that little incident earlier. No need to worry too much.  
He thinks about going out for a run, but he’s really tired, no lie there.  
So he curls up on his bed and closes his eyes, he’s sure that when he wakes up he even won’t feel as hungry and weak anymore.


	19. Cheat day

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> My last day of vacation on my own, so I thought I would post another chapter today, because I don’t know when I’ll have the time to write again. If you like it, why don’t let me know in the comments? But even if you don’t like it and have complains about this story or how I portray the characters, I’m always open to constructive criticism...  
> I would love to hear from you!

When Merlin sees Arthur on Monday morning, he’s downright shocked. His complexion is beyond pale, almost ashen and he looks as if he hasn’t slept at all.  
“What happened?” He asks, closing his hand around Arthur’s wrist, forcing him to look at him.  
“Nothing, I just didn’t sleep very well.” Arthur rubs his face with his free hand.  
“Did you eat?” Merlin asks, despite knowing the question never fails to annoy his boyfriend.  
Arthur shakes his head, too tiered to keep lying to Merlin. His nerves are stretched to the breaking point. Not enough food and too much caffein from the Diet Coke he fills his stomach with has kept him awake all night. He just wants to burry his head in Merlin’s chest and cry. He doesn’t do either, though.  
“When did you eat last?” Merlin asks alarmed.  
“Friday night I think. I had some popcorn yesterday, though.” Popcorn without butter or seasoning, plain, nearly tasteless, squeaking between his teeth, because by Sunday evening the hunger was so overbearing that even he couldn’t stand it anymore.  
He expects Merlin to freak out and yell at him, like he usually does, but Merlin doesn’t say anything for a while. Then he puts his hands on his face and looks him in the eyes very seriously.  
“You need to take better care of yourself, Arthur. You know that!” He says gently.  
Arthur nods, completely taken by surprise by Merlin’s tenderness. He doesn’t deserve a boyfriend like this.  
Merlin thinks quickly, he can’t let Arthur go to school like this, the state he is in he’ll collapse probably even before lunch.  
“Hey,” He says, “how about we bunk of for the day. We go and find a nice café where we can have a decent breakfast? Just the two of us?” He nearly prays that Arthur will agree to this suggestion.  
Surprisingly Arthur nods to that. It’s a bit listless, but Merlin doesn’t care. He doesn’t care about the consequences skipping school will have, either. His priority is to get some food into Arthur’s stomach. They leave the bus on the next stop, Arthur’s hand in Merlin’s, letting himself be let away like a small child. They take another bus to the city center. Merlin finds them a nice looking cafe, tucked away in a side street, just far enough from the busy Main Street, to be not crowded with loud tourists and impatient business people. They take a seat by the window, sitting down across from each other. Arthur needs ages to decide what he wants and Merlin is getting nervous inwardly, but forces himself to keep his cool. The waitress comes by four times until they are ready to order. But she’s sweet and just smiles and tells them to take their time. Merlin orders himself a full English breakfast, despite the fact that he had toast with jam this morning and Arthur has decided on the freshly baked granola with fresh fruits, honey and yoghurt. He even orders himself a latte macchiato. It’s been a while that Merlin has seen him drink anything else than black coffee, the mandatory diet soda or water and he lets out a silent sigh of relief. They don’t have to wait long before their food is placed in front of them. It looks and smells delicious and Merlin tucks in, trying not to stare at Arthur and his plate. Arthur starts to eat slowly, but he keeps eating steadily and that’s enough to make Merlin fucking happy. He starts to talk, to tell Arthur stories about his childhood, Arthur already has heard most of them, but it doesn’t matter. Merlin just talks to keep Arthur’s brain from thinking too much about the food he puts in his mouth. When he’s nearly finished with his own meal he has reached the memories he and Arthur are sharing.  
“Do you remember when we still hated each other?” He asks and they both laugh. They revel in sweet nostalgia, reminding each other of the pranks they’ve pulled together. Suddenly Arthur puts his spoon down, hand on his stomach.  
“Merlin, I can’t eat anymore. Please don’t be mad?” He pleads and Merlin’s heart feels like it is breaking, he’s never seen Arthur this vulnerable.  
He places his hand on the table, palm facing up, waiting for Arthur to put his hand in his. When he does, Merlin strokes the back of Arthur’s hand with his thumb. “It’s alright. You’ve eaten more than half of it. I’m proud of you.”  
Arthur is blushing bright pink. His phone vibrates and he looks down at the text, then shutting it down quickly. Merlin gives him a questioning look.  
“Just my Dad,” Arthur says dismissively. Just his Dad, informing him that he has an doctors appointment right after school. Arthur decides to ignore it.  
“What do we do now? Should we go back to school or…” he doesn’t finish the sentence, leaving it hanging, so Merlin might fill in with an idea. Merlin glances at his watch.  
“What about we visit the Victoria and Albert museum? There’s an exhibition I wanted to see.”  
Arthur isn’t particularly interested in old fabrics and craftsmanship, but he knows that Merlin likes it and so he agrees. At least it’s very unlikely they will be caught skipping school in a museum. 

They hold hands while they are strolling through the cool, climatized rooms. Pausing in front of big glass cubes, displaying ancient robes out of silk and spectacularly embroidered fabric. It’s not so much the things that are there to see that fascinates Arthur, although he has to admit that some are breathtaking beautiful, it’s more the air of something so precious, that it is displayed and protected like a treasure. People do not openly stare at Merlin and him and it’s calm and collected in there, people talking to each other in hushed voices like they don’t want to disturb the things in their glass boxes.  
They stay until the museum announces it’s closing time. They’ve been taking their time with every room, looking at the things more than just a few seconds. And for lunch they had overpriced sandwiches and lemonade in the museums café. Arthur nearly enjoys eating them. He knows all this will be back to haunt him through the night, but he refuses to let his stupid brain ruin this perfect moment. He wishes he could be put under one of these glass cubes as well. Treasured and protected from the world outside. But he knows well enough not to share this thought with Merlin. 

Back on the street they stumble right into rush hour traffic and when Arthur glances to his phone he sees that he has ten missed calls and a few angry messages. He says nothing to Merlin, who will know soon enough that they have been found out. It was stupid to think that their absence would go unnoticed, but he’s sure that Merlin knows that, he’s fully aware that Merlin did this for him, the day off, away from everything.  
Arthur will put up with all the yelling and screaming that will be going down later, he will deal with any punishment his father might come up with, because this day was absolutely worth it. 

Uther is furious when he gets notified by his secretary that not only has Arthur missed his doctors appointment, but didn’t even showed up at school today. Both Arthur and Merlin apparently. His mind is going places where they are off somewhere doing drugs together. He’s just about to call the police to get his son’s phone tracked or something like that, when he remembers that he has no proof and the police usually doesn’t do anything before a person isn’t reported missing for twenty four hours. Kids bunking off school hardly is going to be a case for them. Instead he drives home. For once he’s leaving work early instead of late, an unfinished report still on his desk. Now Arthur is in for it. 

He doesn’t even take his time to change out of his work clothes like he usually does, before he tears into Arthur’s room. He tips out drawers, and goes through everything on the desk. He flips the mattress over and emptys Arthur’s sports bag on the floor. All he gets are dirty socks. He doesn’t find anything that resembles drugs, no weed, no pills, no powder. But when he comes to the closet he digs up a scale that is hidden behind his sons workout clothes. This is odd. Why would he hide a scale? Not the little ones to measure tiny amounts of drugs, but a normal body scale. They have one downstairs. Uther looks around in the mess he made and finally slows down. Maybe there’s really nothing there. A hidden scale, weird as it is, is hardly a crime. He goes through the books for good measure only. He’s about to give up, convinced that he won’t find anything else, when a little black notebook, tucked away behind the complete Harry Potter series, catches his eye. 

At first he doesn’t understand what he’s looking at. It seems like some kind of a diary, with running on dates. Listed in Arthur’s neat handwriting are  
Breakfast  
Snack  
Lunch  
Snack  
Dinner  
And behind that it’s written out in disturbing detail what he had to eat that day. Even more unsettling than the detailed list, are the holes that are gaping in between the meals and the realization that this isn’t enough for a teenage boy. At least not for someone as active as Arthur. Scribbled to the side are little comments, ranging from hateful things Arthur apparently is thinking about himself, to things that sound as if plucked from the internet. Short notes that say deranged things about eating, working out and discipline. A shiver runs down Uther’s spine as the pieces of the puzzle are finally click into place. He feels sick when he notices that the last two days in Arthur’s notebook are only listing the drinks he had and except popcorn; he didn’t even know they had popcorn in the house, nothing eatable is written down.  
Arthur is starving himself right under his nose.  
He leaves the chaos behind and carries the scale and the notebook downstairs and lines them up on the dining table. Then he sits down to wait for Arthur to come home.


	20. Little boy, where’d you go?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big trigger warning for actual meanspo. It’s actually something you will be able to find on the internet just like that (don’t look it up!) I just took what someone anonymously has written to someone just as well unknown to them to get in their head and keep them from eating. Even if I sometimes think negatively about myself, like anybody else does, surely, I can’t actually come up with so degrading, horrible things to say about myself or anyone else, not even a fictional character, but sad as it is, it’s out there, thousands of little quotes that try to make us feel bad about ourselves. I know this story is a contradiction to what I say now, but please, don’t let these things get to you! Everyone is beautiful in their own little way, everyone has to offer something that is unique and brings something special to the world and the people you are with.  
> If you want to skip the part with the meanspo, read until “...his whole life.” And start again with “Arthur has to admit...”

The house is silent when he gets home, he had expected his father to wait by the door, ready to befall him with questions and accusations. Maybe he’s still at work and doesn’t give a damn if he’s skipping school or not. Arthur slips out of his shoes, placing them neatly, so he wouldn’t give his father a reason to be even angrier, hanging up his jacket equally as careful. He moves quietly through the house, trained to do so since earliest childhood. Uther couldn’t stand loud kids running around the house. That’s why they hardly got friends over, Morgana and he. He walks by the living room and startles badly when he sees his father sitting on the dining table. Stiff and unmoving. He stops by the door, not really sure if he wants to go in there.  
“Where have you been?” His father asks and his voice is ice cold.  
“We went to the Victoria and Albert Museum.” Arthur says truthfully, his father knows that he skipped school, so there’s no need to lie.  
Uther raises an eyebrow, but doesn’t comment on this odd choice.  
“Come here Arthur.” He demands and Arthur tentatively inches forward. Then Uther moves his hands and Arthur can see, that what he had thought to be a thick folder or something is actually his scale. His notebook placed exactly in the middle. He recoils in shock. Suddenly not feeling his body anymore just his beating heart, loud and rushing in his ears. His limps feel like craved out of stone.  
“How did you…” he can’t finish the question. Panic is squeezing his throat too tight to speak.  
“I’ve been through your room. I was worried about you. I thought you were doing drugs, but instead I found this.” He holds up the book and it feels like a slap to Arthur’s face. This is his deepest, darkest secret, not even Merlin knows about it. He feels shame replacing the panic. This exposes him to the core, it’s worst than it would be if he had to stand naked in front of his father. He lunges forward, trying to snatch it out of Uthers hands.  
“You had no right!” He yells angrily.  
“I had every right.” Uther replies calmly. “Sit down son, we need to talk about this.”  
Arthur shakes his head vigorously, “There’s nothing to talk about.” He says firmly, standing rooted to the spot.  
“Don’t you think the fact that you are starving yourself doesn’t deserve a conversation?” Uther still is calm, but Arthur can feel his impatience growing.  
“I don’t starve myself. I’m just trying to lose a little bit of weight.” Arthur objects. If they can keep this calm, he can convince his father, that this means nothing.  
“Why would you need to lose weight?” This question sounds so honestly astonished, Arthur nearly wants to laugh.  
But he doesn’t really has an answer so he shrugs his shoulders.  
“Do you really think all the things, that are written down there?” Uther asks and his face contorts with disgust. He thumps through the thin pages, there rustling the only noise in the dusky room.  
“‘Disgusting pig’.” He reads out loud. “‘One day I’ll crush Merlin beneath me.’ Is that what you are thinking about yourself Arthur?” Uthers face and voice are hard and Arthur has to fight not to let the tears fall that are making their way up his eyes. This is utterly humiliating, having these things read out aloud to him. From the very man he just wants to make proud and has strived to earn his respect his whole life.  
“And these: ‘listen here you fatass. don’t fucking eat, because you know you’ll binge. you know it. i know it.  
HEY FATASS LISTEN. I SAID, DONT FUCKING EAT!  
stop thinking about it. don’t you fucking dare! if you’re such a slob that you can’t even resist, fine. go eat something, hell, go fucking binge you piece of shit - but only on fruit or veggies. you didn’t think i would let you get away with it did you? if you’re too much of a failure to not eat, at least stuff yourself with something healthy, you pig!’ That’s just sick Arthur, you know that, right?”  
Arthur has to admit that, when hearing it out loud, it sounds a bit extreme.  
“It’s just motivation.” Arthur mumbles defensively. This situation is worse than the most horrible nightmare he’d ever had.  
“Motivation for what? To stop eating entirely? To become so thin, that your muscles will start eating themselves? Is that what you want?” Uther gets louder with every word he’s saying and Arthur can’t stand it anymore.  
“What do you want from me?” He yells back. “You always tell me not to eat this and that, to be healthy and fit, because appearance is important and now that I’m actually keeping track of what I eat it’s still not right!” He leaps forward and snatches the notebook from his fathers hand, then he turns around and bolts from the room. But his own room doesn’t offer any refuge, it’s a mess and he feels physically sick by seeing his privacy so violated. He starts to pick up clothes hazardously from the floor, throwing them into the now empty sport bag. He’s going to stay at Merlin’s. He’s not going to spend the night in this house. He can hear his father coming upstairs and he tries to pack faster, but nothing is where it’s supposed to be.  
“What are you doing?” His father asks from behind.  
“I’m packing, I’m staying with Merlin.” Arthur explains, while looking around for his phone charger.  
“The hell you leaving. You stay here until this is sorted.” Uther says strictly.  
Arthur snorts to that.  
“You think you can sort this? You tell me that this is bad, that I am sick. You humiliate me and tell me to stop and I’ll just obey, like I always do? I won’t. Because this belongs to me and you can’t take it away.”  
Uther just stares at him. “I’m sorry, if I started this conversation the wrong way.” He finally says, “but I’m worried Arthur, I am really, really worried. If this is all true, you haven’t eaten in two days and that’s really scary. I don’t understand why you are thinking about yourself as fat, why do you want to lose weight so desperately that you’d stop eating?” He desperately needs an answer, because he’s so out of his depth, that it terrifies him.  
But Arthur only shrugs his shoulders, as if this isn’t such a big deal.  
“Is it Merlin? Does he make you do things you are not comfortable with?” It’s the only thing that comes to his mind right now. Because Arthur has been behaving strangely since he started to see Merlin. Or had it started even before that? He remembers the girl that Arthur had been seeing for a few months, she had only been skin and bones too. This all is getting too much for him to handle.  
If looks could kill Uther knows that he would be dead right now.  
“Merlin is the only one who cares if I eat or not. Actually, that’s the reason we skipped school today. He knew I wouldn’t have made it through school today, so he took me to town to get my mind of things and he made me eat breakfast and lunch.” Arthur reveals more than he wants his father to know, but it’s not like anything is going to stay hidden.  
Uther has gone quiet, he feels defeated by his own failure. He should have noticed sooner, he should’ve seen that something was wrong. His only son was struggling and now he had developed an eating disorder that already had taken over his whole life by the looks of it.  
“I’m sorry Arthur.” He apologizes, it’s meant sincerely, but he doubts that Arthur believes it. “I’m sorry I haven’t been there for you. I’ll help you, I promise!”  
But he knows that this promise doesn’t mean anything to his son. He can see it in Arthur’s empty gaze.  
“I don’t need help, I’m fine.” Arthur says calmly, completely convinced about this statement.  
It doesn’t make any sense to object now, it only will lead to more fighting. Uther sighs silently.  
“Come on, I’ll drive you over. You can’t sleep in this havoc.” He rather wouldn’t let Arthur out of his sight, but he’s afraid to push him away further by putting him under even more pressure.  
“I can walk.” Arthur says dismissively, but Uther shakes his head.  
“Either I drive you, or you stay here!” He doesn’t want to argue about that either.  
Arthur bows his head in averse obedience and grabs his bag.  
Uther calls Gaius and checks if it’s ok if Arthur comes over. He doesn’t say why. 

The car ride is silent, Arthur stares out of the window and Uther finds it more difficult than usual to concentrate on the road before him, to many things run through his head. When he pulls up the driveway, Arthur is ready to jump out of the car, even before Uther cuts the engine. Merlin is already waiting by the door. Uther puts his hand on Arthur’s arm, to hold him back.  
“We can do this.” He tells him, but Arthur doesn’t react. Uther sighs. “I want you to be home tomorrow, right after school!” He orders and waits for a confirmation, Arthur still doesn’t react.  
“Arthur!” Uther says sharply.  
“Alright, right after school.” Arthur finally says, looking ahead stubbornly. Uther retreats his hand and Arthur takes that as his cue to get out of the car.  
The way he falls into Merlin’s arms makes Uthers chest hurt. It’s like someone drowning, holding on to a lifeline. Merlin stares at him through the dark, over Arthur’s shoulder and Uther thinks he can see sadness in his eyes, can see the same panic he feels, mirrored in Merlin’s expression, but it’s too dark to see the boys face clearly. He goes into reverse, forcing himself to advert his eyes and keep his attention on the road.  
He doesn’t sleep much that night. 

He tries to concentrate on work the next day, but he can’t. Arthur’s face flashes through his mind. His set jaw, cold eyes. He didn’t even remotely resemble the little boy anymore, that smiles at Uther from the framed photography on his desk. He takes the picture in his hand, tries to remember when it had been taken. He doesn’t know. But Arthur must have been six or seven, his two front teeth are missing, but he’s still beaming with joy. Where did that little boy go? And why hadn’t he noticed it?  
He carefully puts the photo back, face down, so he doesn’t have to look at it any longer. There’s no use to dwell on the past. He turns to his computer and opens google. He types in Eating disorder and Anorexia. Everything he reads makes this weight in his chest grow even more. He tells his secretary that he doesn’t want to be bothered with phone calls today. He uses the phone on his desk to call doctors and therapists and by four o’clock he has devised a plan on how to help his son recover. Again he leaves the office early.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, what’d you think? I know it’s not really the support you all wished for, but we’re getting there, I promise...  
> It would mean a lot to me, if you’d all would share your opinions and feelings with me. Thanks so much for reading!!!


	21. In control

Now that he’s tightly set up with therapy sessions and appointments with a nutritionist, they expect him to get better instantly. As always Uther wants him to be perfect, what includes a fast and smooth recovery. But now that he doesn’t need to keep up appearance anymore, Arthur doesn’t even consider eating normally again. There’s nothing his father can do against it. He tries to threaten him with the menace of a stay in an eating disorder facility, but Arthur knows that they won’t take him, at least not now. He’s not thin enough, not yet anyway. The most ridiculous of the approaches to cure him from something he doesn’t want to be cured from, is the group he has to visit on Friday afternoons. It’s a body positivity workshop, recommended by his therapist, who simply is an idiot in Arthur’s humble opinion.  
Who in their right mind would think it was a good idea to force people together, whose ultimate goal it is to be the thinnest person in the room and make them talk about their bodies in a positive way? Arthur hates it with all his heart, not only because he’s one out of two boys but also because he’s the fattest, well, after the overweight bulimic girl. If this is already torture for him, he can’t even imagine how horrible it must be for her to be forced to look at the other three skinny girls. It’s like looking at walking, breathing thinspo and he finds it to be utterly unfair that he has to be there, his heavy and solid body, between these graceful, bony creatures. He knows that for these girls it doesn’t make a difference. They see themselves as fat, no matter what. Two out of the three have BDD. And still he’s jealous. The other boy is actually transgender and probably the only one from the whole group who really wants to recover. For him recovery would mean he could start hormone therapy and that would be a step in the right direction, and Arthur is envious of that too. Not that the other one has a reason to recover, that’s nothing he needs, but what he needs is a reason, the reason why he’s doing this. He has heard stories about abuse, about being bullied, about being raped or being imprisoned in the wrong body. Nothing like this has happened to him, there’s no reason for him to hate himself or his body the way he does. He wishes he could have an answer for Merlin, when they lie next to each other and Merlin asks him why. He feels like an imposter, without the right to feel what he feels, to do what he does and to be with these people, who are really sick, who are destroying themselves for a reason. He doesn’t have one. 

Morgana is upset and calls him a drama queen and attention whore when she calls him on FaceTime, being informed about his antics by Uther. He doesn’t object. He’s all she accuses him to be. She tells him, that she’s going to stay in France, because Uther wants to focus on him and his recovery. She tells him that she’s glad he pretends to be sick and that she never wants to come home ever again. His sisters reaction is not a reason to cry, but it’s a reason not to eat. 

Not even Merlin can force him to eat, because every threat of telling someone is not valid anymore. He’s forbidden to go on his run in the morning if he doesn’t have breakfast first. So he starts to skip lunch. All of his friends have noticed by now that something is going on. Gwen is the first one to pucker up the courage to ask him, she’s the first one who comes up with the word anorexic and Arthur hates the word, because he thinks that he can’t life up to it and all it stands for. But he knows that it is easier for people to deal with others, if they can put labels on their behavior. He tells her that he’s getting therapy for it and she cries and hugs him and tells him how glad she is about that. His friends start to change in their behavior towards him one by one. Leon and Percy are walking on eggshells around him, asking him constantly if he’s okay. Gwen and Merlin both are trying to make sure that he’s eating and that leads to a sudden rivalry between the two that results in a horrible fight and they don’t talk to each other for weeks. Gwaine gradually stops talking to Arthur, he stops touching him, as if he has a disease that is highly contagious. A few weeks after the word got out, he blatantly ignores Arthur, as if he isn’t there, as if he doesn’t exist. It hurts.  
Lance, the only one that still behaves somewhat normal around him and becomes Arthur’s closest confidant after Merlin, says that Gwaine is scared and doesn’t understand what’s going on. He says to give him time, that he will come around.  
Arthur feels guilty for doing all this to his friends, and if he wasn’t the egoistic arsehole he unfortunately is, he would brake up with Merlin. Because he can see what he’s doing to him. He can see the fear in his eyes, can feel it pouring out of his fingertips when he touches him. He can see the tears and the nights spend without any sleep, even if Merlin tries to hide them. He loves Merlin so much and he knows he should set him free, because who wants their lover to ever worry about anything. But he can’t. If he would let Merlin go, he might disappear into nothingness and Arthur isn’t sure if he’s ready for that yet. And so he hangs on to Merlin, sucking him dry, like the disgusting parasite he is. And Merlin whispers in his ear, pleading him not to leave him and Arthur promises to stay, because he knows that he’s not strong enough to leave. 

With his refusal to eat, he gains unexpected power over his father. Uther is so out of his depth, that Arthur sometimes almost feels sorry for him. He’s so clueless, that it is easy to deceive him. Half of his, now carefully chosen, meals still disappear into napkins and the other half remains on his plate. He now can blackmail his father into paying attention to him, simply by refusing to eat. He can get him to say that he’s proud of him, if he pretends to eat properly. He knows that this is self deception, but he takes what he can get. He thinks that he’s smarter than everyone, he feels in control. It’s a wonderful feeling and he won’t give up on that. Not for his father, not for Merlin, not for anyone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this story gets amazing numbers of hits each time I update. So if you like it, why don’t show this story a bit of love and leave a kudos or a comment?


	22. Unpleasant truths

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters in one week? I blame the second season of thirteen reasons why, which is so goddamn sad, that I need to write to take my mind off, and my procrastination problem of course, I have a lot of stuff to do, which I don’t want to do, so I hope this update makes you... well happy might be the wrong word regarding this story, but I hope it makes you feel something, whatever it might be...  
> Btw, thanks so much for the kudos that came with the last update, it means a lot to me!!!

Arthur’s losing weight faster now and no one can do anything about it. It takes a while for Uther to find out about the napkins full of food in the bin, shown to him by the housekeeper. It’s the first time since his wife died, that tears are running down his face, because this feels like losing someone all over again. It’s only now that he understands, that Arthur isn’t going to get better just like that. Suddenly the perspective of his son dying stands so clear before his eyes, that he has to close them. Arthur hasn’t done irreversible damage to himself yet, at least that’s what the doctors had said. But what if he keeps going like this? What if it’s salad without dressing and fruits and these disgusting protein shakes for the rest of his life? Or if he stops eating all together? What if he gets osteoporosis or brain damage, what if heart fails one day?  
He sits on the floor, next to the trash can, letting his tears flow freely. Georgie has left the room discreetly.  
That night, Arthur throws a fit because the napkins have disappeared from the dinner table and for once he doesn’t yell back, he doesn’t try to make his son obey through oppressing him with his authority, for once he tells him that he loves him and he pleads him to eat. It doesn’t help much, but he needed to say it, needs Arthur to know.

It becomes routine, the fighting, the gnawing worry. It becomes tiring, frustrating, nothing gets better, there’s not the tiniest bit improvement in Arthur’s behavior. It just gets worse and he’s wasting away before his eyes. Uther sometimes think that Arthur does this to punish him for something. Maybe for always putting work first, for leaving his kids alone. Providing them with everything they could possibly need physically, but never been there for them emotionally. He can’t even remember any physical contact in a very long time. He can remember holding Morgana on his knees when she was a little girl with sticky hands, long curly hair, sparkling green eyes and pointed cat teeth. He can remember how Arthur felt in his arms when he was a baby, tiny and soft, he even can remember how he smelled. Sweet and clean. But after that he can’t think of any situation where he hugged his kids, kissed them or anything. Now, if he tries to touch his son, he flinches away.

Merlin and Arthur are cuddled up on the couch, Merlin leaning on to Arthur’s side, content that he’s gotten Arthur to eat a whole bowl of fruit and yogurt topped with granola. He had high hopes in Arthur starting therapy and getting professional help. But this hopes have vanished into thin air pretty soon. It all made things worse. They have been fighting so much over the last few weeks and month, that Merlin wasn’t even sure they would make it. He’s so angry sometimes. He has to remind himself that Arthur isn’t the enemy here, but the illness is. Somedays Arthur isn’t the same anymore, it’s like he’s a different person, obsessed, anxious and angry. But sometimes he’s just the old Arthur again. Self confident, funny and just so familiar. Merlin even feels sadder on those days. Like now.  
Suddenly there are tears building in his eyes, threatening to spill over. He tries to wipe them away discreetly, this is the last thing they need right now, he doesn’t want to ruin this afternoon. But of course Arthur sees them.  
“What’s wrong Merls?” He asks concerned, catching one of his tears with his finger. “Did I do something wrong?” It’s always his first concern, because the things he does to hurt Merlin are countless.  
“No, it’s me. I’m just…” He chokes on his words.  
“What? You’re what?” Arthur gently beckons.  
“These days that are good, they make me sad. Because this used to be normal, but it’s not anymore.” He now starts crying for real.  
Arthur scoops him up and holds him in his arms.  
“I know.” He whispers into Merlin’s dark curls, that smell clean, like shampoo. “I know and I’m sorry. I am trying.” The last part is a lie, but he’s so used to lying by now, that he doesn’t really register it. He kisses away the tears, wondering if they make Merlin’s eyes even bluer. He doesn’t stop kissing his whole face, softly pressing their lips together until Merlin starts to kiss back. These are soft kisses and when they take off their clothes it’s not heated, but slow and gentle. Arthur kisses down Merlin’s spine, banishing every thought of jealousy from his mind. He just wants to make Merlin feel better. He would do anything for him, just not what he’s asking for. 

They are at a party that night. Arthur sits outside, away from the noisy crowd. He doesn’t like to be in a room with a lot of people, he always feels like he can’t breath properly anymore. Like everyone is looking at him and judging him. Merlin is somewhere inside, getting drunk or high. He does that a lot lately. He says it’s because Arthur is driving he can get wasted. Arthur doesn’t drink or smoke anymore. Not only because of the calories, but because he’s afraid to lose his self discipline and start eating uncontrollably. Because it’s always on his mind. And just as 80% of vegetarians eat meat when they are drunk, he knows he would eat everything he could get his hands on if he would get drunk. He’s heard about anorexics that use alcohol to suppress the hunger, but that doesn’t work for him. So he just sits on the front steps of the house his friends are at and looks at the cars that drive by occasionally. It’s a warm summer night, but he’s shivering slightly. That terrible cold everyone is talking about is slowly creeping into his bones and he already dreads the winter, that’s months away.  
Someone sits down next to him and he expects it to be Merlin, but when he turns his head, it’s Gwaine instead. That’s pretty surprising, because Gwaine hasn’t come near him if he could help it.  
“Hey.” He says, lighting the joint in his hand.  
That’s even more a surprise, because Gwaine hasn’t talked to him in months.  
“Hey.” Arthur says back.  
Gwaine holds the joint out for him to take, but Arthur shakes his head.  
“It makes me want to eat.” He explains, he doesn’t try to keep it a secret anymore, there’s no point in it anyway, everyone can see it.  
Gwaine laughs out humorless, “We can’t have that, can we?” He says bitterly.  
Arthur wraps his arms around his knees and stares ahead. The silence hangs heavy in between them.  
Gwaine takes a deep drag, blows out the heavy smelling smoke.  
“Why do you do that?” He finally breaks the silence. “Starve yourself, I mean.”  
“I know what you mean.” Arthur replies, but doesn’t answer the question right away.  
“What do you get out of it? Isn’t it painful?”  
Arthur shrugs his shoulders. “It is, sometimes.” He admits.  
“Then why do you do it?”  
“Because I’m good at it.” He offers.  
“Because you’re good at it?” Gwaine echos unbelieving. “What’s that for a kind of reason?”  
“It gives me a feeling of achievement. I’m successful in it.” And he is, his clothes are hanging of him and all he’s had today is what he ate for Merlin. He’s a master over his hunger.  
“But you are good at other stuff too. Like, you’re the best player in our team, or if I had your grades I wouldn’t need to worry about university so much?”  
Arthur shakes his head. “I’m not good at foodie anymore, I mess up all the time and my grades are so bad, they talking about holding me back for another year.” He says.  
“Only because you’re not strong enough anymore, you used to be so good, you could be so successful.” Gwaine sounds upset now and Arthur tries to explain it to him.  
“I was good, but never good enough. Nothing I did was good enough, there’s always someone better than me. Now, no one expects me to be the best anymore. They are proud of me for clearing my plate, my dad is just glad if I write above a D.”  
“That’s pretty pathetic, you couldn’t live up to their standards, so you just checked out?” Gwaine stomps out the joint next to him.  
“I didn’t check out, I just changed their perspective of me. This is who I am and finally people see me for what I am.” Arthur doesn’t get upset about it, he knows that Gwaine can’t understand that this is not weakness but strength. It takes willpower to starve yourself like that.  
“So this disorder is your whole identity?” Gwaine asks and Arthur is surprised that he actually gets it. That’s a first. He nods.  
“Isn’t there anything of you left?”  
Ok, he doesn’t get it.  
“What do you mean? That’s all me, that’s who I am, who I always was!”  
“No, you used to be happy, you used to be a friend. You used to care about us and you used to be fun to be with. Now you are just this empty shell, obsessing over yourself all the time. It’s like the world revolves just around you and you walking over everything our friendship used to be. You’ve never been selfish and now all you care about is yourself. Why do you think Merlin is getting wasted every weekend? He never used to drink like that. You know that he broke down crying, when we went out to eat last week, completely off his face? He said that he couldn’t take this anymore, he said that he himself can’t eat anymore because when he does he always thinks about you? Do you know that Lance took him home and slept on his bedroom floor, because we were worried he would do something stupid. But of course you don’t know, because you were too busy hiding from the food you could possibly have to eat. You’re a coward Arthur. I never thought you would be. But you are just a fucking coward, dragging everyone down into your mess. You know that the best anorexic is a dead one, right? Because you can’t get much thinner than a skeleton. And you are on the best way to become just that. If you want to kill yourself go ahead and do it. But don’t drag Merlin into this shit. You’re not good at anything Arthur, you’re just sick.” He gets up and brushes the dirt from his clothes, before he turns around and disappears inside again, leaving Arthur alone, who bites into his hand to keep himself from screaming out loud.


	23. Drowning

Arthur hasn’t slept a wink this night. After getting a totally wasted Merlin into bed safely, he drove home, feeling utterly exhausted. But he only turned and tossed in his bed the whole night. Because Gwaines words have cut deep. Not the part of him killing himself, he knew that one would come eventually, he just expected his father to say it. He can deal with that, but what he can’t deal with is the part of hearing that Merlin is hurting so badly because of him. He should have seen it, he knew, so he needs to stop being a coward and do something about it. He thinks of a hundred ways to break up with Merlin, but each one makes his chest tight and his breath hitch in his throat. It never was his intention to hurt the people around him. But the seed of despair had taken root somewhere deep in him a while ago and he had needed them to notice. He knows he is sick, has known it for a while now, maybe he had known even from the beginning. But he doesn’t know how to stop this or if he even wants it to stop at all. For them it all seems so easy. Just eat. They say.  
Maybe he could, just a little bit more. Maybe he could do that.

Uther stops dead in his tracks, when he walks into the kitchen and sees Arthur standing by the stove, obviously preparing himself porridge.  
“Morning.” He says, holding back to comment on this, nowadays, unusual occurrence.  
“Morning.” Arthur greets back, his voice tight, it gives away that he didn’t just woke up hungry this morning and decided to make himself something to eat like anybody else.  
He keeps his eyes on the pot, stirring mechanically.  
Uther busies himself with the coffeemaker, trying to give Arthur the space he needs. He does his best not to stare at his son, as he pours the mush into a bowl.  
“Do you want some too? There’s a bit left.” Arthur offers.  
Uther has to clear his throat, to get a comprehensible answer out.  
“I would love to.” He might sound a bit too thrilled, but he can’t help it.  
In retrospect he shouldn’t have been that excited, because this porridge is just disgusting. Made with water instead of milk and completely absent of sugar or even salt. The tries not to make a face after swallowing the first spoon full. He reaches for the sugar and shovels a hearty amount over it. Arthur smiles apologetically. “I should have warned you, it’s not exactly gourmet.”  
“It’s fine, Arthur, really.” He reassures him and it’s more than fine, actually.  
He does his best not to watch Arthur eat, he pretends to read the newspaper instead, but occasionally he steals little sideway glances at Arthur.  
He can see how hard it is for him to get it down. His hands are shaking and every bite seems to be a insuperable obstacle. But he keeps going, steadily putting spoon after spoon in shod mouth. He manages to eat roughly half of what’s in his bowl.  
“I can’t eat anymore.” He says meekly, putting his spoon down. “I’m sorry.”  
Uther wonders where this sudden need to apologize comes from, but he won’t question it, as well as he won’t question why he’s eating breakfast all of the sudden without being forced.  
“No, don’t worry.” He reassured him quickly, “it’s progress.”  
Arthur puts the leftovers in the fridge. “I’m going for a run.” He announces.  
Uther hums to that. “But no longer than 30 minutes, please.” He reminds him.  
Arthur nods shortly and leaves the kitchen. Uther stares after him and wonders if this breakfast really is a reason to hope or if it’s just a new tactic to deceive him once again. What if Arthur makes himself sick now? He’s read in more than one of the many guidebooks about eating disorders, that are piling on his bedside table, that bulimia often is the next step. And even if Arthur swears that he doesn’t throw up, he’s not sure if he can trust his word anymore.  
As quietly as possible without actually tiptoeing, he walks up the stairs. But the bathroom is empty, the door standing wide open. He stands still and listens if he can hear anything suspicious coming from Arthur’s room, but there’s nothing but a light rustling of clothes. For a second he thinks of asking Arthur if he can join him, he doesn’t feel positive about Arthur running on his own, but that would just seem like he wants to control him and he was trying to show Arthur that he trusts him. At least that was what Arthur’s therapist had recommended. 

To his surprise Arthur eating breakfast, isn’t a one time occurrence. Slowly Arthur starts to eat again. It doesn’t matter, that one meal takes him ages to finish and the portions are still too small for Uthers liking, but he finally allows himself to hope, that Arthur has found the strength to fight against this vicious illness. He doesn’t care that Arthur is eating mostly plant based and vegan. As long as he eats enough of it, it’s fine with him. At the next weight in, Arthur has already gained a kilo and a half. 

Arthur tries to feel contempt with himself, if not happy, at least indifferent about eating and gaining weight. But he can’t. It feels suffocating to say the least.  
Merlin is beaming at him from across the table and Arthur forces himself to smile back, to participate in their conversations, in between bites, acting again. Acting for Merlin’s sake, acting for his friends and his father.  
He should feel good about himself. He already feels stronger and that should be a good feeling, not being out of breath and dizzy from walking up the stairs. But it doesn’t feel good that his mind is constantly at war with himself. What he eats, he tries to make up with working out viciously. Luckily he’s allowed to go out on runs again. His father gradually cased up with the surveillance over him and he can prolong the half an hour runs to one hour ones. Sometimes he puts weights in his backpack, to step it up a notch. No one knows about the workout sessions on his bedroom floor and he knows how to put that to use. He thinks he blacked out over doing sit-ups once, but he’s not really sure about that, only that he found himself sprawled out on the floor without the memory of having stopped the exercise.

With a lot of help from Merlin, Gwen and Lance he catches up on his schoolwork again. He even smiles when Gwaine comes to apologize. He tells him it’s ok. But it’s not. Nothing is ok anymore. He feels like someone drowning, with the life saver right before their nose, but just out of reach.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The weather is way too nice to write sad stories or to read them. I’m writing them anyway and I hope you’ll read them anyways too. Be kind and leave kudos or a comment if you like this story. I appreciate each and every one of them!


	24. Futur plans

Finals are stressful for everyone. Gwen regularly starts crying in math class, Merlin gets that panicky look in his eyes, Percy and Leon annoy everyone with their flashcards they carry everywhere, using every opportunity to quiz each other and Lance is not seen without a book in front of his face. The only one who appears to be laid back is Gwaine, as always, making fun of them for being so scared.  
Arthur is stressed out too, trying to shoulder the pressure from two sides. His father tries to hold back with voicing his expectations in Arthur’s academic success, but he keeps an close eye on his eating habits, making him follow meal-plans and ushering him to keep mealtimes.  
He doesn’t feel like eating, even less than he normally does. He wants to crawl into a corner and give up every day, but he pulls himself together as much as he can, he doesn’t want to be left behind and he isn’t going to let 13 years of school going to waste.  
He throws up twice. Once from working out too fiercely and the second time out of nervousness the day of the English exam. 

And then it’s finally over. They’re standing around around in the hot summer sun, chatting excitedly about the exams. People that normally don’t talk to each other are hugging, celebrating together.  
Merlin has wrapped his arms around him from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder. His hair is tickling Arthur’s neck. He blinks into the sun and he feels happy. He’s flooded with so much contempt, he hasn’t felt in a long time. He thinks he did good. If everything went as well as he thinks it did, it would mean Merlin and him would go University in Autumn, maybe they even could get a little flat together. They have talked about it a lot.  
“Let’s go out to celebrate.” Gwen is all smiles, all tears forgotten.  
“Merlin, Arthur?” She asks.  
Merlin nods over Arthur’s shoulders, he can feel the movement.  
“Can’t.” Arthur says bitterly, his mood changing instantly. “I have group. My Dad is going to pick me up any minute now.” He’s annoyed that he still has to go there, annoyed, that he can’t just go with his friends, like every other normal teenager. But he’s also annoyed, that his friends seem to forget every time, it’s six months that he has to go there every Friday and they still forget.  
“Don’t be mad love,” Merlin says, kissing his nape, “you just join us a little bit later, yeah?” He says, as if this is nothing, as if Arthur isn’t send to his personal hellhole every Friday.  
“Maybe,” he mumbles, “I’m pretty tired.” He suddenly doesn’t feel like being with them.  
Merlin wants to say something, but Arthur spots his fathers car pulling into the parking lot, trying to not overrun any students, that are all over the place today.  
“Gotta go.” He says quickly, kissing Merlin on the cheek before walking away.  
The car is too cold, like always, and the first thing Arthur does after buckling his seatbelt is turning the air condition down. Uther looks at him expectantly.  
“How did it go?” He asks.  
Arthur shrugs his shoulders. He doesn’t want to get the expectations too high. “Good I guess.”  
His father sighs quietly and Arthur wonders if it’s out of annoyance or relief.  
Like every Friday, his father holds out a smoothie, he picked up on his way, but Arthur doesn’t take it and instead shakes his head.  
“Arthur,” Uther says sharply.  
“I already had cake.” Arthur lies. Uther looks at him with disbelief. So he adds: “Gwen brought it, to celebrate. She made it vegan.”  
Lying comes so easy to him, that he feels proud and ashamed at the same time. He doesn’t even know why he’s doing it again, it’s just something like a reflex. There’s a light rumbling in his stomach, indicating hunger and it feels so good.

He keeps on lying, telling his father, that he’s eating with his friends, while he tells them that he already ate at home. Surprisingly, they believe him. School is rather sporadic now and they have a lot of free time at hand and so it’s easier for Arthur to hide that he’s not eating properly again. They are outside a lot, swimming and hanging around in the park. It’s always a sandwich or some snacks on the go and Arthur makes sure they see him take bites from the sandwiches. He brings cut up fruits and some days it’s all he eats and not even Merlin notices spit out chips and thrown away sandwiches. Lance caught him once, dumping his bread in the bin.  
“Please Arthur, don’t do that.” He had said putting a heavy hand on Arthur’s narrow shoulder.  
Arthur had apologized, acting as if this was a one time occurrence. A small confusion, just a little step back. He had begged Lance not to tell Merlin. Lance had promised not to say a thing, but he had made Arthur eat his own sandwich in return, although he had kindly scraped off the cheese and ham before.  
After that he tried to be more careful, especially withLance around. 

“Your birthday is in a few weeks. Let’s have a party.” Merlin says when they are alone in Merlin’s room, lying naked on the bed. Arthur fishes for his shirt and pulls it back on. He doesn’t feel comfortable naked, not even with Merlin.  
“I rather would not.” He says dismissively. There’s nothing to celebrate.  
Merlin pouts at him. “Look, I know this was a hard year, but we are done with School now, you are in recovery and everything is going to be alright. Isn’t that a reason to celebrate?”  
Arthur thinks that only if he’s lucky he’s through with school and even if he passed everything, he has no idea how he will cope with Uni, that is if he gets in at all, his sister isn’t talking to him, his father and his therapist want him to try out medication and he’s not recovering, if anything he’s relapsing right now. But he doesn’t voice any of his concerns and only nods reluctantly to Merlin’s suggestions. At least it makes Merlin’s eyes sparkle with excitement and he leans over to kiss him on the mouth.  
“Great.” He says, “I’m going to plan everything!” He leaps off the bed, to look for something to write. Arthur groans into the pillow.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I’m sure it is written down somewhere, whe Arthur’s Birthday actually is, but I’m too lazy to look it up.  
> Comments and kudos never fail to delight me, so if you like that story show a bit of love and let me know. Thanks for reading!!  
> Oh and if you like that one, why don’t you go and check out my other Merlin Fanfics?!


	25. The party

Arthur hates birthdays. Especially his own. The last few years he had avoided to have anything like a party, going out with his friends for burgers and cinema. But now that Merlin has taken over, there is nothing less than the house full of strangers, enough alcohol to fill a small pool with it and so much food they could feed the national football team. Uther had left them in the morning, after making them promise not to burn the house down. “I trust you!” He had said, looking more at Merlin than at Arthur. Merlin had nodded eagerly, while Arthur only had shrugged his shoulder.  
He had gone to pick up their “special guest”. Arthur already knew it was Morgana. He had no idea how he should feel about it, because the last time they spoke, his sister had told him, that she never wanted to see him again. She had ignored every attempt of contact after that. He really didn’t understood why, because she was happy in France, happier than she had been here, with them. She never failed to let him know.  
He changes five times, to make himself look somewhat presentable. But he fails miserably. Non of his clothes fit him properly anymore and normally it doesn’t bother him, but today it irks him. He knows that people will talk, will point out how skinny he has gotten. There’s an uncomfortable mixture of guilt, shame and pride swirling in his gut, while he stands before the mirror, tracing the too noticeable bones with his fingers lovingly. He knows he shouldn’t find this beautiful, he knows that he used to look so much better. At a healthy weight with broad shoulders and stomach abs. Now there’s nothing there, no fat, only bones, lean muscles that are nowhere near as strong as they used to be and veins, visible under his pale, almost translucent skin. He looks like a ghost of his former self and somewhere under his admiration for his transformed body, there’s disgust. The disgust for his own body, for its needs, has never left him. He knows he’s not fat, he knows that he even isn’t fit anymore, but there’s a odd fascination with his frail and weak body. Merlin sometimes says, that he looks like the suffering Jesus, carved out of the finest Carrara-Marble, frozen in the moment of death. He has developed from something so very alive it hurt, to ethereal numbness. Even if he doesn’t believe in god, it almost feels like something religious, something bigger than him, something he has to dedicate his suffering to.  
He finally decides for some black slacks he bought only a few weeks ago, so they are fitting quite well and one of Merlin’s nerdy t-shirts that’s only a little bit too wide on him.  
There are excited voices downstairs and he knows that his sister has arrived and instead of wanting to receive her, he wants to lock himself into his room.  
“Don’t be such a coward.” He says to his reflection. He sighs and makes his way down the stairs. Morgana is standing by the door, with her back to the stairs. She’s talking to Merlin, who makes a gesture when he sees Arthur coming. Morgana turns around, the small smile on her lips falling instantly. Her expression displays shock. She stares at him and Arthur doesn’t move any further, he stands there on the last step and lets her look at him.  
“Oh my god, Arthur.” She whispers, before covering her mouth with her hand.  
“Hi Morgana.” He says simply and walks the rest of the way to hug her, choosing to ignore her reaction to him. Reluctantly she wraps her arms around him.  
“You’re so thin,” she says. “You’re so thin.” She says again and again.  
He doesn’t know what to answer, so he stays silent, until she finally releases him.  
He can feel her eyes on him the whole day. It’s unsettling. 

In the evening, they meet with the others to celebrate Morganas visit. This time, there’s no way out of ordering something to eat, as Merlin and Morgana have been with him the whole day. He orders salad with the dressing on the side.  
“Is that all you’ll be eating?” Morgana asks disapproving. Arthur doesn’t react.  
“You only had fruits for lunch. You should have something else. Like chicken breast, that’s lean and healthy.”  
“I’m vegan.” Arthur presses out through his teeth, her overbearing motherly tone grates at his nerves.  
“I don’t think you should be. You know with being...you know... anorexic and then only eating plant based, you’re prone to malnutrition. Like where do you get your protein and iron from, if you don’t eat dairy and meat?” Nobody on their table is talking but her and Arthur is feeling uncomfortable, thinking that the whole restaurant is listening in.  
“It’s fine Morgana. His doctors have agreed to this, he’s getting dietary supplements with everything he needs.” Merlin interferes, while squeezing Arthur’s hand underneath the table.  
“But…” Morgana starts again, but this time Leon interrupts her.  
“I don’t think it’s a comfortable situation for Arthur, to discuss his eating habits in public, Morgana.” He says calmly and Morgana as well as Arthur are blushing. Morgana still mutters something under her breath, but after that she stays quiet. But she watches her brother like a hawk and Arthur only gets through this meal, because Merlin is holding his hand under the table the entire time.

Merlin sleeps over and Arthur is grateful beyond words for it, because being at home alone with his sister profs to be nerve wrecking. All she wants to do is to talk about his eating disorder with him and she doesn’t seem to understand, that it makes his skin crawl to answer her questions. He doesn’t want to talk about it, period. Not with her, not with Merlin or Uther and neither with his therapist.  
“Do you think you look good like this?” She asks aggressively, when he only manages to eat one of the pancakes she made for breakfast. He only shrugs his shoulders. Merlin steps in again and all he can do to listen to them fight about him, while he’s fighting against the urge to go and throw up. Morgana seems to think that nothing changed except his weight, that he still is strong enough to fight with her, like they used to do. Like cat and dog, Uther used to say, but he can’t, he can’t defend himself anymore, because there’s nothing left worth defending. He feels so small and worthless, especially compared to his beautiful, combative sister. He just hasn’t the strength anymore.  
He feels dizzy and sick, even though he eats, maybe even more than normal but maybe his body is shutting down on him, maybe it has caught on with his mind, finally. 

The strange anxiety that has kept him on edge all day only gets stronger with every guest that shows up, with every hug and congratulations he receives, with every present that is put in his hands. His mouth gets dry, his palms sweaty and he just wants to leave. But Merlin smiles so happily next to him, that he tries to keep it down, the reasonless panic that swells in his stomach.  
People around him are having fun, getting more drunk by the minute and he, he just wants to die. Curl up in a corner and just wait till it’s all over. He sits on the couch, trying to control his breathing, waiting for Merlin to come back with the promised water. Time stretches endlessly. Suddenly, instead of Merlin Morgana is there and pulls at his arm, forcing him to get up. She guides him over to the table with food. He shakes his head. He doesn’t want to eat right now. He can’t.  
She cuts a piece of cake and holds it out on a paper plate for him to take.  
“No.” He refuses.  
“Arthur, it’s just a piece of cake. It won’t kill you.” She says in her ‘silly little brother’ voice.  
Right now he feels as if it will indeed kill him. “No, Morgana please. I cant.” He knows how pathetic he sounds, but he can’t help it. She grips his wrist tightly, it will surely bruise, as now even gentle pressure leaves big, colorful bruises on his skin. She hauls him closer and he can’t do anything to stop her. She’s so much stronger than he remembers. Or he’s just so much weaker. She uses her body to direct him against the wall and suddenly he’s afraid, he’s afraid of his own sister. Her bright green eyes are filled with tears, but still they are determined.  
“I just want to help you, Arthur.” She says, as she presses a piece of cake to his mouth. The pastry fork pierces into his bottom lip painfully. She pinns his shoulder to the wall and he can feel the tapestry rub against his shoulder blades, even trough the t-shirt. He opens his mouth, just to get away from the pain and terror, maybe if he’d comply she would stop. The cake is too sweet on his tongue, it fills his whole mouth, clings to every tastebud and blocks his air supply. He coughs and splutters, he can’t breath, he can’t breath, he can’t… but a second piece is pushed into his mouth anyway and if he could, he would beg his sister for mercy. The cake in his mouth is mixing with the coppery taste of blood, because he has accidentally bitten his cheek. Still Morgana holds him upright, even if his legs buckle.  
Then someone pulls her off of him, and Gwen is there to catch him from falling face first to the ground. He leans into her, into her soft and warm solidness, lets himself be guided to the bathroom, where she helps him to wash out his mouth, the cake mush, the blood and spit. And she wipes away the sweat from his skin with a washcloth, all the while she’s talking soothingly to him. Arthur closes his eyes, tries to still the trembling of his limps.  
“Merlin?” He asks.  
“I don‘t know where he is love. Should I go and find him for you?“ She asks softly.  
Arthur nods his head, eyes still closed.  
“Are you ok on your own darling?” She asks worriedly and again he nods.  
She leaves the room, and he sits on the cold tile floor and waits.  
He waits what feels like ages, but his feeling of time is somehow messed up and so he gets up after a few minutes and stumbles outside. He can hear them yell in the living room, Merlin and Gwen screaming at Morgana together, who has backed up into the corner she just trapped him in and she’s crying. Arthur feels nothing, except the need to leave, to bring as much space as possible between them.  
Arthur takes the backdoor and as soon as he’s outside, he starts running.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know I usually write Morgana to be nice and awesome, sorry not this time...


	26. Talking to ghosts

Arthur stops running when a familiar iron gate comes into sight. He hasn’t planed on coming here, doesn’t even know how he’s gotten here. His lungs are burning, head spinning. He leans on the gate, feeling as if he’s about to collapse any minute now. He has no idea how late it is, it’s already dark but still warm, even if he can feel the sweat on his skin cooling down quickly, leaving him shivering. He tries the gate and to his surprise, the cemetery is still open. It’s been a while since he came here last, but it’s not difficult to find his mothers grave. There’s a tall angel statue just next to it and it’s distinctive silhouette is easy to make out even in the dark. He stumbles by endless rows of gravestones. His mind is clouded, partly because of what he’s just experienced, partly because he’s so exhausted, he can’t think straight. He stumbles and falls. Sharp, crushed stones are piercing into his forearm and hands. He doesn’t has the strength to get up right away. A sob escapes him. He doesn’t know how long he stays on the ground trying to get back some control over his body and his emotions. After a while he gets up again, slowly, his whole body is hurting. His muscles burn and his skin is adorned with bruises and abrasions. He wipes his bloody palms on his trousers, it feels as if little stones are still stuck in his flesh. It’s not far anymore, he already can see the angel, raising one of his lithic arms in a blessing gesture. Arthur staggers on the last few meters and the sinks to his knees at the foot of his mothers grave. And here, alone in the dark, he finally allows himself to let go. Tears are running down his face, sobs wracking his whole body. He claws at his skin, his collarbones and his arms, it feels too tight, too hot. He wants out of his skin. He wants to dissolve into nothingness, wants to lay himself to an eternal rest, next to his mothers bones that are rotting somewhere below him, rotting there for eighteen years now. He wonders what might be left of her. There are fresh flowers leaned on the headstone, his father must have been here earlier.  
He wonders if everything would be different if she was still alive.  
So he cries for a lost mother, an absent father and a estranged sister. He cries for Merlin, who is trapped in a relationship that brings more misery than joy. Mostly he cries for himself, for the realization that nothing gets him the sense of control he desires, for the pain and despair that starving himself brings, for having lost any purpose in life other than to exercise the hunger, for not being able to turn back. It’s a one way road and he still is afraid of dying, even if he wants everything to be over. He cries until he has no tears anymore, but the pain hasn’t bleed out through his tears, it’s still there, stuck in his chest and he wants to reach into his rip cage and pull it out, like weeds. 

“Arthur?” Someone asks behind him and he doesn’t need to turn around to know it’s his father.  
He feels strong arms embracing him, gently rocking him back and forth. He’s cradled like a child and it’s the first time that day he feels safe. He lets himself be held, he even leans into his fathers chest.  
They stay like this for a while, silent as always, but close, closer than ever.  
“Are you alright?” His father finally asks and Arthur shakes his head. He’s not alright.  
“Are you hurt?” Uther specifies the question. Arthur shakes his head again.  
“Come on, lets get up.” Arthur lets himself be lifted up and sat down on a bench like a puppet. He closes his eyes dazzled, when Uther uses the light on his phone to take a closer look on him. His father drapes his jacket around his shoulders and rubs his arms to get him warm again. The warmth is spreading over his upper body immediately and Arthur feels like he could fall asleep instantly. His father sits down next to him.  
“Why are you here?” Arthur asks.  
“Well, Merlin called me. Told me what happened and that you ran away. Luckily I still was in the office and not already on the road.” He had planed to spend the weekend at their little cottage near Cambridge.  
“And how’d you know I’d be here?”  
“Just a lucky guess. You always wanted to come here on your birthday when you were younger. It was very important to you.”  
“Because it was important to you.” Arthur says.  
“I never knew.” Uther speaks into the dark.  
“I wanted you to know that I am sorry and that I missed her too, even if I never knew her.”  
“What were you sorry for?” Uther asks puzzled.  
“For killing her. That you where stuck with me instead of her.” Arthur says simply.  
Uther is too shocked to answer right away. Again there’s something that his son is carrying around for so long and he didn’t knew. “Arthur, you didn’t kill your mother. Yes, she died giving birth to you, but that’s not your fault.”  
“You said it was my fault.” Arthur states.  
“What? I would never…”  
“But you did! Do you remember the bike in metallic blue?” He asks.  
Uther has no idea what the bike has to do with the accusation Arthur just made, but he nods anyway. “Yes I remember.”  
“It was my 7ths birthday, I think.”  
“8th.” Uther corrects him.  
“Right. Well, I loved the bike, it was wonderful.”  
Uther still can’t follow, he never saw Arthur ride this bike, instead it was left in a corner of the garage until he had outgrown it, without ever using it once.  
“I was really excited about it. I imagined what my friends would say if I showed it to them, I imagined what we could do, where we could go. I got so excited I couldn’t sleep, so I went downstairs to look at it again. But you caught me. You were angry at me for being out of bed. You’d been drinking, looking at old photographs of her. You said I was an awful boy and that it was my fault she had died. You said if you could choose, you would want to have her instead of me.” Arthur’s voice betrays no emotion while telling this awful story.  
“I never used the bike, because I felt I didn’t deserve it. Who deserves presents for killing their own Mum?”  
Uther can’t believe what he’s hearing, he can’t remember any of it. What he does remember, is lecturing Arthur on how spoiled and ungrateful he was for turning his back on such a fine gift. And he remembers being so bitter about his wife’s death, and if he’s honest with himself he has to admit that he has felt conflicted feelings about Arthur’s existence. Of course he loved him, he loved him so much, but it wasn’t like you could replace one loved person with another one and not feel the painful thorn of loss everyday still. But he never thought that he would have acted on these horrible, awful feelings and blame an innocent child for a tragedy that affected both their lives.  
“Oh my god, I’m so sorry Arthur. I’m so, so sorry. There’s no excuse for saying things like that.” He knows there isn’t any way to take back what he had said. Not if he had been in his right mind then and not now, ten years later.  
He buries his head in his hands.  
“I’m such an awful father. I failed you. It’s my fault you got sick.”  
“It’s not your fault,” Arthur says sharply, even if sometimes he likes to blame his father, he won’t let him take the responsibility.  
“It’s nobody’s fault, not mine, not yours. It’s just something that happened.”  
“She was a lot like you are. So generous and beautiful, so kindhearted. But on the other side, she was insecure, constantly doubting herself. She too had these days, that where very dark for her, days where she couldn’t get out of bed or where she couldn’t paint. I always knew how make her smile again, I always knew what she needed, but I never know how to help you, I never know what you need. Tell me what you need, Arthur. Tell me how to help you!” He practically begs for answers.  
“I don’t know,” Arthur says quietly. “I don’t know what to do. I just I can’t go on like this. I don’t want to. I don’t want to feel so lost anymore, I don’t want to be so anxious all the time. I want this all to stop.” His voice breaks.  
“I’ll do whatever I can to help you Arthur, I promise. If you want to get better, you are going to get better. I know you can do it. And I’m here, you are not alone.” His voice is thick with tears, he lets them fall freely and for the first time in his adult life, he’s not ashamed of crying.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, this might has been a bit overdramatic, but I felt like it. So please let me know what you think. The story is coming to its end, so if you like this story take the chance and let me know through a comment or kudos, it always means a lot to me!


	27. Don’t leave me

They spent the ride home almost in complete silence, Arthur leans his body sideways on the cars door, exhausted. This doesn’t feel like the big breakthrough as his father seems to see it, to him it feels like defeat. What he thought to be his greatest strength has turned out to be his biggest weakness and he’s losing himself in this realization. He wants to go home, wants Merlin to be there, to keep him from falling. But Morgana is Home too and if he lets his thoughts drift in her direction, his stomach starts turning, nausea hitting so strong, that he’s dry heaving. Uther puts his hand on his back to calm him down.  
“Do you want me to pull over?” He asks.  
Arthur shakes his head, but opens the window. Greedily he sucks in the cold night air.  
Nearly every window of the house is lit, and it would have been an inviting sight, but again there’s this anxiety, tugging at his nerves, making his hands shake slightly. He grips the right on with the left one, trying to make them stop. They won’t stop. Uther pulls the key out of the starter, silencing the calming hum of car abruptly. He waits for Arthur to move, to unbuckle the seatbelt, but Arthur only stares straight ahead.  
“I don’t want to see her.” He says quietly.  
Uther nods, Merlin had told him everything on the phone earlier. Even if the boy was hard to understand, upset as he was, he got the gist.  
“Hold on, wait here.” He states, opening the door. He locks the car while walking up to the house, he doesn’t want Arthur to get lost a second time tonight, so he won’t take any chances.  
The house is almost empty, just the few teens he knows to be Arthur’s closest friends are seated on the couch, looking miserable. His daughter isn’t with them. Merlin gets up and walks up to him, looking at him with pleading eyes. He never really liked the kid, his family wasn’t what he would have called proper, but he had to admit, that even if the boy came out of nowhere from a small village he had wits and he had proven to be loyal to Arthur.  
“Don’t worry, he’s in the car. I just want to talk to Morgana first.”  
“She’s in her room,” the caramel skinned girl pipes up and he nods his thanks to her, before going upstairs.  
He knocks curtly, before entering Morgana’s room.  
She’s sitting on her bed, drenched in tears.  
“Daddy!” It is rare, that she calls him Dad, let alone Daddy.  
“I’m so sorry, I didn’t mean to hurt him. I just...it’s so awful to see him like that.” She sobs. Of course she shouldn’t have done that, of course she should have known what horrible effect it would have on her brother, but Uther understands. He’s seen him starve right before his own eyes, he knows how helpless it feels to see him that frail and weak and not be able to do anything at all.  
He thinks that it’s a bit late to be a good father, but he’s willing to try anyway and if he’s trying with Arthur he should do the same for Morgana too. He wraps his arms around her, lets her cry into his shoulder for a bit.  
“I know darling, I know how sorry you are, but your brother, he is… fragile at the moment. I need you to stay away from him tonight, ok?” He forces her to look at him, wiping away the tears on her cheeks.  
“Do you understand?” He asks and waits until she nods, still looking heartbroken by her mistake.  
“He hates me now, doesn’t he?” She sounds small like a child and Uther wonders how he could have let his family become so broken. He doesn’t really know what’s going on in Arthur’s head, but he doesn’t want to leave Morgana with this burden neither.  
“When he’s better, you can apologize to him and he’ll forgive you.” He just has to believe that Arthur will get better, because if not there is nothing left but an abyss of despair, waiting to swallow him whole.  
He kisses her forehead and tells her to sleep. 

Arthur feels like he’s returning home from the battlefield, the way his friends gather around him, with solemn expressions on their faces. He almost wants to laugh at their seriousness, but then he doesn’t, he hugs them instead, tells them that he’s grateful that they are his friends.

“I was so worried, don’t you dare to leave me like that again!” Merlin whispers, when he lies in bed next to Arthur, spooning him. Arthur turns around so he can look at his boyfriend and Merlin involuntarily shivers with the grave expression in his eyes.  
“I’ll have to Merlin.” He says softly and Merlin’s heart suddenly beats faster. Is this the moment he always feared and Arthur is breaking up with him?  
“What do you mean?” He asks anxiously, struggling to sit up and lean against the headboard. Arthur sits up too, so he can look at Merlin properly, then he takes Merlin’s left hand with his right one and holds on to it tightly.  
“I have to go away for some time. I don’t know how long. I’m going to a clinic. One that specializes in eating disorders. Dad is going to arrange everything. I’m already leaving this weekend.”  
This is such a surprising revelation, that the only thing Merlin can do is stare at Arthur, mouth hanging open.  
“Now you look like the idiot you are.” Arthur teases him lovingly.  
“I’m sorry Merlin, I don’t want to leave you, but I have to do this.” He says it as if Merlin is having any objections.  
“No, you are the idiot. I’m glad that you are doing this.” He nearly yells, barely containing his excitement.  
“You’re going to come back when you’re better, right?” Suddenly he feels insecure.  
Instead of answering, Arthur kisses him on the mouth.  
“You’re so stupid Merlin.” He says softly. “As soon as I’m better I’ll come back to you, I promise, because I love you!”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is the last chapter. Regularly anyway, there will be an epilogue, don’t fret :)  
> Otherwise thanks everyone for reading, leaving kudos and amazing comments! I hoped you enjoyed it!  
> If you did, it would be nice if you left kudos or a comment!


	28. Better than control

5 years later

“Are you sure I shouldn’t help to clean up?” Morgana asks again, looking around the small kitchen and at the mountains of dirty dishes set on every available surface.  
Arthur shakes his head, while Merlin simultaneously says “No!”  
They look at each other and smile. Arthur may had gone a bit overboard with one or two birthday presents he thought Merlin would enjoy. In private. Of course he had given him something innocent too, that he could unwrap in front of his friends. But now, after hosting for their friends the whole evening, they really want to spent some time together alone, preferable before they are too exhausted to do anything else than sleep.  
Morgana throws her hands up in the air in a frustrated gesture, but she is laughing. “Alright, I’m going. You are an insufferable couple, you know that, right?” They say nothing, but Merlin wraps his arms around Arthur from behind, resting his chin on his shoulder, it’s something he is doing all the time and Arthur likes it. It means he is leaning on Merlin and Merlin is leaning on him.  
“Happy Birthday.” Morgana says one last time, winking at Merlin, before she hugs him. Then she turns to hug Arthur goodbye. He holds his sister briefly, deliberately ignoring how slender she feels in his arms. It has taken many hours of family therapy and trust building exercises, before he could let her touch him again, without making his skin crawl and his stomach turning. It had taken him years to forgive her, even if he wanted to, he couldn’t. But they had worked on it, together and separately, and now their relationship was better than ever. He had appreciated his sisters willingness to be a part in his seemingly endless recovery process. As his father, Merlin and the rest of his friends had been too.  
After he had hit rock bottom on the day of his eighteens birthday he had spend the next five months in an eating disorder facility. He had been disappointed, that he hadn’t made a full recovery by the time Uni started and all the plans Merlin and he made were falling through. Merlin didn’t want to go without him, so he took a gap year and worked as a volunteer in a shelter for homeless teenagers. He came to see Arthur everyday, not the slightest bit bothered, if Arthur was in a bad mood and didn’t even wanted to see him. Stubborn as always, he had been there. Sometimes they weren’t even talking much, but playing chess, or he was reading to Arthur from various kinds of books. They made it through two Capote novels, JG Ballard’s Crash and some Karin Slaughter crime novels, that Merlin had to smuggle in, because the nurses claimed all his choices too upsetting. Merlin disagreed, but he left out the one where the serial killer came after anorexic woman.  
The hardest thing about recovery for Arthur wasn’t actually to get back to eating somewhat normally, but to get control over his excessive workouts and re-direct it into healthier limits. At first he was forbidden from doing any kinds of sports until he would have gained 2,5 kg. It nearly drove him crazy and of course he continued in secret. It took him almost a month to gain the required weight. He was so glad when they finally let him go. Unfortunately this first long time stay didn’t remain the only one. Two years later, after a slower, but even more destructive relapse, he was back there at an even lower weight than the previous time.  
After that, he had managed to keep his weight just at a level that kept him out of the hospital. It was still a long way from healthy. But the last eighteen months he had made progress. 

Tonight, they had all their friends over to celebrate Merlin’s 23rd birthday. What made it so special to Arthur, was the fact, that he didn’t freak out about the food beforehand. He didn’t even feel anxious about sitting down to eat. Eating, providing his body with anything it would need to function perfectly, became less and less something that felt like defeat. It had gradually shifted from a task, that was hardly accomplishable, to something that just had to be done. And the last six months Arthur had felt something else change. He hadn’t told Merlin about it, yet. He doesn’t want to change anything in their dynamics, he doesn’t want to talk about all this shit at all, not at home anyway, he’s doing the talking in his weekly therapy session, in monthly family therapy, sometimes at Merlin’s support group. But he should share this with Merlin, because it makes him happy. Every time he’s hit by the realization that he enjoys food again, he feels like fucking crying. Happy tears that is. Sometimes he doesn’t even notice, hours go by and it’s only later that it strikes him, that his first thought about the food he consumed earlier wasn’t about the calories, not calculating how to get rid of it again, but that it tasted good. The same thing has happened with working out. He still runs, he wouldn’t feel like himself if he didn’t, but he always meets one or two of his friends to go with him. It’s a system to keep him for overdoing it, without the uncomfortable feeling of being watched. He has started to exercise tai chi every day. It was one of the things they had on their timetable in the clinic, next to yoga and meditation, but other than the other two things it had stuck with him. It clears his head faster than anything else these days. He enjoys the slowed down movements, the mindful breathing that took him ages to learn, he relishes the way his body reacts to his will. They’ve been through so much together, his mind and his body and even after the way he treated it, it still forgave him, after it regained some of its strength it worked as reliable as ever. He’s thankful for that, thankful that there isn’t permanent damage, except for the fact that he’s putting on weight faster now, because his body is prepared to be starved again. It is what it is and he didn’t panic when he had to go and buy new jeans, because the ones he had bought only a few months ago were a little bit too tight. Maybe that’s because he still is taking this anxiety medication, but he likes to think it is because he’s finally getting better. He’s happy right now. Not the kind of everyday contentment a person feels who has never battled any mental health issues, not the kind of careless happiness he’s known before, but a deep gratefulness for the days where he isn’t balancing on the edge of an endless, bottomless pit of despair, or the days where he doesn’t feel like being separated from the world by a thick, impenetrable glass wall, condemning him to isolation. He feels happiness on the days that are just plain normal. The days he looks back at, before going to sleep and realizes that they went by without the crippling thoughts of self doubt and hate. That went by without the need to step on the scale, without the need to look up how much calories his meals are containing, where running is just running and not burning off what he’s just eaten. The days that he calls Merlin just to ask if he’s up for catching a movie in the cinema later that night and not because he’s in desperate need for his boyfriend to calm him down and pick him up from campus.  
“Are you coming to bed?” Merlin asks suggestively and pulls Arthur out of his thoughts.  
The sex is better too, now that it doesn’t hurt to lie on his stomach and Merlin isn’t afraid to leave bruises by touching him.  
“Coming,” He yells back, giving his reflection in the bathroom mirror a quick smile.

Merlin’s head leans heavily against his chest, eyes half closed and with an adorable blush spread over his cheeks. Arthur plays with his his tussled hair, wrapping the dark curls around his fingers.  
“Do we have anything of Gwen’s quinoa salad left?” He asks, leaning into the light rumbling of his stomach.  
Merlin only hums, still blissfully exhausted.  
“And there’s still an half full bottle of wine in the fridge?” He asks again and Merlin blinks up at him.  
“I guess.” He says.  
“What do you think about a midnight snack in bed?” He offers slyly.  
And Merlin’s smile is just reward enough, because he knows he can’t control every aspect of life, it’s bound to get messy and painful sometimes, but he can, to an extend, take the steps that make his life and his relationships more reliable. And reliability and trust sometimes was even better than control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It’s final, this is the end.  
> I like to thank all of you for reading, leaving kudos and overall these amazing comments!!  
> If you liked it I would love to hear your opinion on all of it. What did you like, what not, anything I can do better next time? How did you like the end?  
> If you liked that one, you should probably check out my other Merthur stories and check out my Profile from time to time as the story in progress is going to get finished and a new one is already planed.  
> Anyway thanks so much for being with me and this story for such a long time!  
> 


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